


What's In Your Head

by orphan_account



Series: Plato's Theory [1]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcoholics Anonymous, Alternate Universe, Drug Use, Dubious Consent, F/F, F/M, Flashbacks, Friendship, Gen, Holidays, Implied Sexual Content, Infidelity, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mercy Killing, Military, Panic Attacks, Post-Divorce, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prostitution, Relapsing, Religious Discussion, Sex Work, Sexuality Crisis, Slow Build, Suicidal Thoughts, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-24
Updated: 2019-12-15
Packaged: 2021-02-17 22:36:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 30,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21550894
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Eddie's lost. But it's okay, because he's not alone, not anymore.Or an AU where Bobby is Eddie's AA sponsor.
Relationships: Athena Grant/Bobby Nash, Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1), Eddie Diaz & Shannon Diaz, Eddie Diaz (9-1-1) & Bobby Nash, Eddie Diaz/Original Male Character(s), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Bobby Nash, Evan "Buck" Buckley & Christopher Diaz & Eddie Diaz (9-1-1), Evan "Buck" Buckley & Eddie Diaz, Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz, Henrietta "Hen" Wilson/Karen Wilson, Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han, Past Bobby Nash/Marcy Nash, Shannon Diaz/Original Male Character(s)
Series: Plato's Theory [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1580362
Comments: 56
Kudos: 251





	1. Suzie-Q

**Author's Note:**

> Tags will be added as the story progresses.

_“Jade says that she wants to close the door on her open marriage policy.”_ The voice of Jerry Springer comes through Eddie Diaz’s television with a fever. He accidentally fell onto the remote in his stupor and caused the volume to crank up to impossible levels. It’s almost ear shattering as Eddie’s chest rises and falls with the grunt of large obnoxious snores. He never used to snore, but then again he never used to drink either. He should be awake now by the amount of noise, any sane man would, but he’s had almost half a bottle of whiskey and he just fell asleep less than an hour ago. There is no hope for him now. Not that he cares in his current condition, despite the hardness of the remote under his back giving him some kind of bruise, he likes it here. He likes it here a lot.

The old brown couch is something from the 70’s here’s sure, just by the upholstery alone. It’s a scratchy sort of material almost like a straw like texture, which sounds uncomfortable to some, but for Eddie it’s good. It’s comfortable but it’s also real and there, it keeps him grounded in a way. Most of the time, and on occasions when he needs extra grounding techniques to remind that this is where he is, that he’s home is when it really comes in handy. He simply reaches out his hand and brushes it along the material, sometimes gripping on it until his nails sink into the couch. He’s left more than his fair share of scratches and marks than any other tenant in this place, but he figures it’s alright because as far he can see he’s going to be here for a very long time. This furniture that comes included is practically his. His until he dies.

_Bang._

_Bang._

_Bang._

The banging much like the banging in his head is what wakes him in the end. He’s confused at first and a little terrified, but it’s nothing like the sharp ‘ _pop,’ ‘pop’_ of something much worse so he manages. He sits up, the bottle tipping only for a second before he’s got hold of it again and sets it up right on the carpet floor beneath his feet. His hand comes up to his face as the noises of the fight on the screen drill their way into his head. He hears the familiar voice of Jerry Springer like a nail gun into his skull, and it’s only then that he finally reaches for the remote that’s no doubt left button marks in his skin. He hits the off button, and his dinosaur of a TV switches off. He watches as the screen closes together and the sound of static is made its way into the air, and then shakes his head. His body feels like it’s dripping, like it’s falling into the floor, and disappearing. He doesn’t like this feeling, but it’s better than the other feelings that are always there. Much, much better.

“Alright!” He yells, his voice gruff with sleep and the fireball of alcohol. He puts one foot in front of him and then another, and another. He finds himself reaching for the wall for support as his head spins. He narrows his eyes at that. He hasn’t done that in a long time. He may be on the booze, but he’s been on it for months and he’s never done this. He’s too used to it to let it get this much of a hold on him. He wonders for half second until the banging resumes, and then he has no choice but to walk up and make it stop. If it continues his head will get louder and louder until he can’t take it anymore. That sort of state never leads anywhere good.

“What is it?” Eddie asks, his voice more polite now as he really can’t afford to get kicked out. Not when his ex-wife lent him a security deposit very reluctantly that he couldn’t afford. More than anything she just wanted him out of their- her house. Eddie can’t blame her. He wasn’t good for her, or for- He wasn’t good for anyone. He’s not good for anyone, he should be saying, he’s an ongoing disaster, trying to make things better, to help but only ending up doing the wrong thing. The worst thing.

“Please, can you keep it down? My daughter is trying to sleep.” Her voice is soft like amber liquid. If there ever was such a thing, and Eddie finds himself drawn to it. He finds himself meeting her eyes and growing soft inside. He wants to reach out and touch her but that would be weird and crossing a line he’s never and will never cross.

“Sorry.” He tells her, and she smiles. It’s not a real smile, it’s a pity smile. A sympathetic smile. They all have it. Every single one of them. Once they look at his face, look at the damage, they run. They smile. They say, ‘okay.’

“It’s no trouble.” She’s lying, but her head is shaking, and she’s gone before Eddie can say anything else. Her perfume is the only thing that remains. It’s soft like her, dandelions and tall grass on a summer’s day. He remembers the summers they had in El Paso. He remembers them so well. He wishes that he could go back there, and run through the fields like nothing can bother him and nothing can touch him ever, but even then he was never clean. He was never not damaged in some way. He was never just a kid, or a just a random guy. Normal. Average. He’ll never be normal.

He sits back down on his brown straw couch, heavy hearted and heavy minded. He picks up the remote and switches the television back on, only this time he makes sure to have his finger hovering over the volume button, turning it down so that he can barely hear it. Jerry is now talking to them after the fact and the fights, and coming to some kind of conclusion. Whether it’s genuine or good, or bad, or ugly, it’s a conclusion. It’s an end. He wishes that he had that luxury, but he doesn’t. He just has more days stacked onto more days of this. It can’t last forever, he knows this, but it certainly can feel like it.

He reaches down for the bottle but a ringing starts to be heard, and it’s torture. Not because of the sound and his pounding head, but because there’s only one person who would be calling him. He should pick it up and answer but he doesn’t want to. It might not even be about him or Shannon, it could be about what’s theirs. About a boy who needs more help than Eddie could ever give him, more love than he’ll ever be capable of. A boy who deserves the world, and all Eddie can offer him, as a father no less, is the shit on his boots. He can’t talk to him. He can’t even see him, as per Shannon’s rules. He should hate her for it, but he doesn’t, he’s just angry. So damn angry. But it’s his son and he’s can’t not pick up.

“Hello?” He says, his eyes down below on the bottle, shiny and waiting. Waiting for him to pick it up, put it to his lips, and drink everything away. To forget and to not feel. He needs it. He wants it. _Pop. Pop. Pop._ He has to have a sip. His hands grow clammy as he reaches for it, but then her voice stops him. A voice he once thought he’d want to hear forever. A voice that means hate and love, and anger and joy, and everything from the top to the bottom. A voice that now calls the shots.

“It’s me.” She says, like he would have guessed or thought it was anyone else. “Christopher is asking for you.”

“Shan…” Eddie says it as a sigh, his eyes shutting tightly as his hand comes up to his head, rubbing it in desperation and pain.

“Do you want to see him or not?”

He pauses. A million different reasons and excuses come into his head, but it’s all garbage. None of it is true or means anything when you get those precious moments with the one person in all the world that you love more than anything. He nods his head before he says anything. “Yes, yes of course I do.”

“Good.” Relief is in her voice, and Eddie doesn’t like that. Not one bit. “Then I need you to do something for me.”

He feels his hand clutch the phone a little too tight. He’s not going to like this, he already knows that, and not one bit either. “What.”

“I need you to go to a meeting.”

Eddie wants to throw the phone across the room, but he’ll settle for hanging it up. He can’t afford to replace it. Not when he’s drinking half a bottle a day, and not when his benefits have been slashed due his refusal of anymore therapist or other doctor’s appointments. Despite it all though he’s surviving. He’s making do. There’s other voices disagreeing, saying other things, but he doesn’t want to hear it. He takes the bottle and has a large sip.

“Eddie, please.” Her voice is desperate, pained, and it cuts in all the right places. She must sense he’s hesitating though, because her next words cut the deepest. “He’s having nightmares again. He keeps calling out for his daddy, but he’s not here.”

“That was your decision.” Eddie can’t help but snap out before he can think.

“Don’t you dare.” Her voice is low, dangerous. “Go to the meeting.”

“Shan I-”

“If you don’t do this. I’m suing for sole custody. You won’t see him again.”

The line goes dead. And so does he, inside, frozen and dead.

The phone smashes into the window, thankfully it doesn’t break like everything else.


	2. I Put A Spell On You

The coffee comes out of the large thermos in a large puff of steam. It lands in the Styrofoam cup with a splash that leaves it flying and burning. Small droplets cling to the inside of the cup like their life depends on it, but pretty soon they’re washed away by the bigger woosh of coffee that comes flying out. In circles and forms a full cup of coffee. Eddie’s careful to leave some room for the drop off of it when he lets go of the button that allows the liquid to come out. It leaves one last splash in the end that burns droplets on his hands once again, but like before he barely flinches, not seeming to care or notice. If he was more sober maybe he would.

“Is this your first time?” A warm voice asks. Eddie’s eyes that were so focused on the coffee, making the picture encase his whole worldview so he doesn’t have to remember or know why he’s here, look up, startled by the man’s voice. He’s faced with kind eyes and a kind smile, a warmth that radiates from him. An authority that makes Eddie, despite his discharge now going on eighteen months, stills and stands tall. This aura that surrounds the man is much like his Lieutenant, and his Captain. He can’t help but respond naturally which is to look up strong and wait for orders, but they never come.

“I’m Bobby.” He says as he pushes up his plaid shirt sleeves and reaches out for Eddie’s hand. Eddie who’s staring at the world in shades of grey is enamoured by the shirt. It’s red, no doubt in his mind about that, and so very bright and real. Maybe it’s the drink talking but Eddie’s sure somewhere out there, in another universe even, he’s wearing that same shirt. He’s wearing the shirt, and he’s shaved. He hasn’t a bottle of Whiskey stashed all around his place waiting for the other’s to run out. Maybe Christopher’s even there, with him, and maybe they’re happy. Maybe Shannon didn’t kick him out, or maybe she did, but they’re still happy. They make it work and it’s better than it’s ever been before. That’s the world his heart aches for.

“Are you okay?” Concern filters through the eyes of the other man, and his hand is reaching out for him, but Eddie quickly backs away. He almost crashes into the thermos of coffee but stops himself just in time. His elbow only grazing the warm metal before his feet have stopped moving. If it were any other day, this would have been impossible. He would have fell, and he would have been ashamed, but since he was coming to the meeting he held off on another drink, and of course by another drink he means opening another bottle. His hands are shaking because of it, but despite that he has more control over the physical, less so of the emotional, but this isn’t supposed to be emotional. This is a get in and get out operation. So he can see Christopher. So he can see his son again.

“I’m good.” Eddie says quickly. “Sorry.”

“Nothing to be sorry for. The meeting is about to start.” The guy- Bobby explains. “Why don’t you come sit with me?”

Eddie wants to shake his head and disagree, to make some excuse about needing air or a phone call to get out of there. He just wants to leave and not look back. To tell Shannon that he did go and he lost the welcome chip at the bus station, but she’d never buy. Not again, and if he was caught in the act of his lies, that would be it. She’d file for custody and he’d never see his son again. Eddie is angry at the thought, furious even, and maybe that’s what’s keeping him going because everything else just makes him feel flat. Empty. Nothing. Not that it’s a bad thing, it’s better than feeling anything else. He’s sure. Anything else can be anything, especially the memories and the fear, the guilt…

“Thanks.” Eddie says, his hand tightening around the coffee before he brings it to his lips. He grimaces at the taste, his fingers burning as Bobby chuckles. Eddie looks up to him a little betrayed, a small part of him wondering if this wasn’t his doing. Maybe it’s some kind of rite of passage for the new guys, but this isn’t some fraternity in college, this is an AA meeting. Alcoholics Anonymous. A place where anything is but a joke.

“The coffee’s terrible.” Bobby tells him.

Eddie looks from Bobby’s smiling eyes down to his hand that’s curled around his own cup. His left one, a shining gold band on his ring finger. He’s married, but it’s new. Not just picked up new, but new enough that it leaves an obvious impression with not being used to the new weight just yet. Below that are dark jeans and black shoes. He’s somewhere in his forties or fifties, but young enough that he still works out. Maybe in the uniform, some kind of uniform. Not one of him, Eddie reckons, but one of something.

“Thanks for the warning.” Eddie says back, his smile pleasant as he meets Bobby’s eyes.

“Come on. It’s not so bad after a while.”

“The coffee or the meetings?”

Bobby chuckles and makes his way over to everyone else with Eddie following him to the chairs sat in a circle as though they were kids playing musical chairs again. He remembers them doing it in music class in seventh grade and how awkward he was at it. He would think he’d be amazing at it, all of the kids fighting for a chair, much like how his home was when it came to dinner and his several siblings, but for some reason the music always felt haunted, and he felt out of place. Maybe it was because he was so obviously not normal even then. His dark complexion, his accent, and the way that he’d speak in a langue most of them didn’t even know the name of at the time, to his family. They were never mean to him outright, but he was always subtly excluded.

It’s not only the chairs that remind him of such times, but the floor itself. There are numerous lines of different colours crisscrossing and spreading everywhere. All under their feet. Each line representing different things, a football field, a soccer field, etc. They are in a school gym after all, but Eddie has no idea that they still did this in most school gyms. When he was in high school they just started doing this, before that it was simply a floor. Hard and full of character from the dents and falls students had made and taken, but now it had character for a different reason. Still does, he reasons.

He sits next to Bobby underneath a green line intersecting with a blue one. His feet in their old brown boots land on the green, Bobby beside him on the blue. He has the coffee in hand, and eyes on the floor. He should look up and maybe even pay attention to what the leader of this AA meeting his saying, but he really doesn’t want to. It’s about a higher power and responsibility, two things he’s struggled his whole life with, now more than ever. He doesn’t want to think about it, let alone face it, but he has to eventually. If for nothing else to get that chip so he can see his son again. He knows he’ll have to speak for that. He’s not really ready for that, but it comes sooner than he was expecting.

“Now, I’d like to open the room to any new faces.” He has a beard, big and scruffy with a life of it’s own. His glasses from the seventies it seems, none of those knockoff ‘in style’ types, but old, metal frames that he seems to have had forever. Eddie doesn’t remember his name, but he should because the guy is looking directly at him, not urging or insisting, but waiting. Waiting as if he knows that it’s Eddie’s turn to speak, whether he wants it or not.

Eventually he has no choice but to stand. “I’m Edd- Eddie.” He says, his words quiet at first, his eyes on the floor but then catching an encouraging nod from Bobby he continues. “This is my first time here.”

“Hi, Eddie.” Everyone says it in union. Almost like a cult of some kind, but that’s not really fair so Eddie lets that thought drop before it stays, continues, and grows in the tree of paranoia that he always seems to be shaking lately.

“I- I should be honest.” He says, his eyes looking from all of the faces of people like him, expect that they’re not him. They don’t understand exactly what he’s feeling or thinking, but they get the need, the necessity to drink, and maybe that’s enough for now. Enough for Eddie to nod and say, “I’m here because my ex-wife said I have to or else I don’t get to see my son again. And I want that more than anything. I’d do just about anything.”

_Except stop drinking._ A nasty honest voice says, and it’s right. Eddie can’t argue with that. He can’t stop. He won’t. He doesn’t want to. It’s too difficult to go through life without his perceptions altered into an escape where nothing is real and where he feels nothing. He can’t let that go. He just can’t. Eddie doesn’t talk anymore. He says he’s sorry and he sits down. They move on and everyone has got a story or an update of one. Eddie tries to listen, to keep his mind off of his own shithole of a life if nothing else, but he can’t. His thoughts are swarming with the happy memories he has of Christopher. Going to the zoo. Him helping with the July 4th BBQ. Coming home and getting to hug him, and getting to see him smile. So so good, but not enough. It’s not enough, and isn’t he the worst father in the world then? He can’t even do this for his son. He can’t do anything right. He can’t do anything period.

“That was brave.” Bobby says it casually, but there’s feeling behind it as they all stand and disperse, the meeting over. Eddie has in his hands a cold hard welcome chip, which should be the item of victory, but all it feels like is a heavy weight in his hand. A stone that wears him down into the floor and beyond. He knows that when he dies he’s not going up, so why then should he be around anyone. His own son even. Why should he risk ruining the one good thing he’s ever done?

Eddie scoffs at Bobby’s words. He’s anything but brave. Bobby notices but doesn’t comment or argue. All he does is pull out a small pad of paper and pen from a nearby table. He writes quickly some numbers and hands it over to Eddie with the words, “If you need anything, or want to get some real coffee give me a call.”

Eddie looks down at the small piece of paper and the much bigger offer behind it all with a harsh tug in his gut. He crushes the now empty Styrofoam cup in his hand with a force it didn’t need and chucks it into the garbage can beside them both. He wipes the remnants of spilled coffee on his skin onto his dirty green jacket and then reaches out for the slip of paper. He slips in into his pocket, balling it up in the process with very little regard to it and says to Bobby, “Thanks but I probably won’t use it.”

Bobby smiles gently. “Okay, but if you change your mind…”

Eddie’s already shaking his head, but Bobby pays it no mind as he gives him a soft smile and turns to leave. His red flannel jacket moving behind him as he makes his way up the few stairs to the double doors of freedom. Eddie watches him go, curiosity and warmth in his gut he hasn’t had in a long while. When he met Shannon there was something similar to this feeling now. A feeling of fitting together. Like they were meant to be in each other’s lives somehow. It all came together and made sense after Christopher, but then they started fading from each other. Their job, their god be it destiny was done. Now with this Bobby, they fit somehow, not in the way that he and Shannon did, no this is more like- like family. Not that him and Shannon weren’t but…

Eddie shakes his head, angry and hurting at that last thought. Screw Bobby. Screw all of this. He needs a drink. He needs to stop thinking. He needs it to all stop.

“See you next week, Eddie.” Someone says.

_‘I wouldn’t bet money on it,’_ he thinks but does not say, his back already turned to them.


	3. Proud Mary

He grips the cold metal of the door handle with hesitation and apprehension. He opens the door and steps in, not letting those fears and worries cloud his physical obligations. It’s something you learn quickly to do in the military, medic or not, you follow orders no matter your doubts or misgivings. They don’t need poets and writers to question and talk, they need soldiers, GI’s who do what they’re told and what they’re supposed to do without hesitation, without any form of regret or uncertainty. It’s how you get through it. It’s what you’re supposed to do. All of your trust in another, in your country, and the rest falls where it may, but Eddie isn’t in Iraq anymore, and he’s not wearing a uniform either, still, some things never leave you, even if you want them to.

He steps onto the white and grey tiles with heavy footfalls. He knows how to be quiet when need be, and when not to do, but for now he needs to be loud. He needs him to know he’s here and it does work. Bobby’s head looks up to the door where the footsteps garner a path through the small diner toward him. It’s dark, the lights inside only lighting enough to see each other. It’s one of the reasons Eddie frequents it. It helps sometimes not to be seen, and this is the perfect place for it. He wanted Bobby to meet him here because of it. They need to not be seen, they need the quiet, and maybe it’s easier to talk where’s there’s barely any lights on. Not that Eddie plans on doing much talking, if it were up to him he’d never say another word again.

“Eddie, hi, how are you?” Bobby says as he stands, his hand held out for Eddie to take. Eddie knows politeness, how to behave around others, especially those older and clearly in higher rank. The military gave him rules, but his parents gave him guidelines. He reaches out and takes Bobby’s hand in a firm grasp that thankfully his hands don’t shake from. He sits down across from him, noticing how Bobby’s jacket is black, no longer a plaid shirt burning in red on his body. He’s more subdued, blended into the crowd which seems unlike him somehow, not that he wants to be in the spotlight just that he’s used to it. Or even that it’s a side effect of what he does, something in the uniform Eddie was sure of last time, and now even more so.

“Can’t complain.” Eddie tells him in answer to his question.

Bobby smiles at him before taking his white ceramic mug and bringing it to his lips. The steam comes out, similar to the last time coffee stood between them, but this time it’s not as harsh and Bobby actually seems to be enjoying the cup whereas last time Eddie didn’t. His wedding ring still shines though, new and in some ways grand in its simplicity. Eddie’s wedding ring had etches of diamond shapes in them. Shannon wanted something different, sometime no one else had. She always likes to stand out in her own way, not obnoxiously, but a little flair so people will have something to remember her by. Eddie’s never been like that, but for his wife, the mother of his child he’d do just about anything to make her happy so he got the rings she wanted. She was so happy.

“I hope you don’t mind but I ordered for myself.” Bobby tells him as he puts his cup down. “I just got off a twelve hour shift and I’m starving.”

Eddie looks up, guilty now as he says, “You didn’t have to come.”

“I wanted to.” Bobby assures him. “It wasn’t that bad of a shift anyway. I’m a- a firefighter with the LAFD.”

Eddie’s lips tinge with a smile. He was right. A uniform of some kind. “Still, if it’s not a good time…”

“It’s a good time.” Bobby says, his voice deeper and eyes borrowing into Eddie’s. “Besides my wife is out with her kids and their dad. It’s their family tradition. Some traditions change but we were weren’t sure if it was wise to change this one. It’s good for them to be together.”

Bobby seems almost wishful, but neither gets to linger on it for longer before their waitress comes over, a steaming pile of food for Bobby. It’s not dinner to compliment this late hour, instead it’s breakfast. Toast, eggs, bacon, and a side of fruit. It should look delicious, especially for Eddie who hasn’t had a proper meal in over a year, but it doesn’t. It makes him feel sick. He could barely stomach the piece of toast this morning let alone a full breakfast meal like this. He remembers the days where he could though. The laughter of his fellow men at the mess hall during training. Always in a rush and always a hassle to get a decent plate full of food, it reminded him of when he was a kid. For some reason he keeps going back there even though there’s not much there.

“Can I get you anything?” She asks, her nametag on her shirt reading, ‘Flow.’ She has short brunette hair and eyes as wide as the moons.

“Coffee.” Eddie says and she nods. She goes to get it but is back before he and Bobby can start talking again, which is all the same since Bobby’s devouring his breakfast dinner like his life depends on it. She flips Eddie’s own ceramic white mug in front of him back to its rightful state and pours the brown liquid until it’s right full. She gives him a smile and a wink, telling him to call for her if he needs anything else. In another life Eddie would have thought she was flirting with him, and he would have flirted back, not necessarily because he’s interested but because he’s single, and that’s what you do. But this isn’t another life, it’s this one. This shitty one that he’s built for himself.

“So,” Bobby says as he swallows a mouthful of food, “Small talk or straight to business?”

Eddie looks at him confused. “What do you mean?”

“You called me. I’m glad of the company, don’t get me wrong, but the way that we met… If you want talk about it, why you were there, or not.” He says the last part quickly, sensing or seeing the panic dance across Eddie’s features. “We could talk. I could tell you about my day.”

Eddie’s not sure why he called him. Loneliness catching up on him, the tug within that told him and showed him that this guy would be important in his life for some purpose? Maybe it was desperation of getting out of that apartment. Maybe there’s a part of him that wants to get better, whatever better is. Or maybe it’s simply that he wanted to spend time with someone who wouldn’t judge him, who would get it without saying it. Maybe that’s why he picked up the phone and that piece of paper, and dialed his number.

“You’re the firefighter.” Eddie says eventually. “What did you do today?”

And that’s how it starts. This friendship, Bobby and Eddie, it’s not conventional. They always seem to be meeting in this diner, or on a street corner, sometimes in a gas station. They don’t talk about much but mostly it’s about Bobby, about his life, his days, and Eddie is enamoured. Bobby’s life is so full, so good, and so meaningful. He spends his days helping people, not just strangers but a family he’s come to call his own and that he had a big hand in helping create. Eddie feels like he’s talking to someone who matters, that in some small way he’s a part of it, a part of something bigger than himself again… Even though he’s really not.

He doesn’t talk about himself, but maybe he should have because then Bobby would have known what he was getting into when Eddie calls him for a ride to the hospital four months later after that first breakfast dinner in the diner.

Maybe.


	4. Bad Moon Rising

“Talk to me, Eddie.” Bobby says, his voice kind and firm as he races down the road as fast as he can go. They’re still fifteen minutes away from the hospital but Bobby knows every route, the fastest and the slowest, if Eddie took a cab it would have taken longer. Probably an hour, but he didn’t take a cab, he called him and now he’s here. Eddie in his passenger seat hyperventilating and freaking out. His hands shake but Bobby suspects it’s not the drink this time, it’s the pure fear and terror that shook with every word Eddie has spoken, on the phone and in the directions he gave.

“It’s- It’s my son.” Eddie says, his voice trembling. “He’s- Dios, just hurry!”

Eddie shuts his eyes against the cars whirling by them, but not just the cars, he also shuts his eyes against the guilt that overwhelms him. It encases his heart, swirling up his spine and ribs, squeezing and choking the life out of him. He can’t breathe. He can’t breathe, but he has to. He has to get to the hospital. He has to be there. Thankfully Bobby doesn’t say anything more, and whatever surprise he holds for this revelation that Eddie has a son he keeps under lock and key. His face as impassive as ever. Eddie is eternally grateful for that.

“We’re here.” They’re the sweetest words Eddie has ever heard Bobby speak. They make him snap his eyes open and turn to the bright lights of ‘ER.’ It seems like only seconds have passed, but that’s usually what happens at the end of the day when he’s already had half a bottle. Everything goes by so quickly. He’s usually passed out on the straw couch by now, staring up at the white freckles that make up his ceiling, but he’s not. Instead he’s sitting the passenger seat of his- of his friend’s car, at the hospital for his son. It’s almost a mirror image of when he was born, aside from the unclear picture the booze makes everything out to be.

“Eddie?” Bobby questions, his eyes concerned. Eddie stares at him, swallowing back the memories and pain he nods. They get out of the car and Eddie races to the big doors. They slide open at his motion and he’s running in with big heavy footfalls that are unconsciously made heavier due to his concern and fear. He makes it to the nurse’s station in record time, ignoring the looks of annoyance and anger at his cutting in line. He needs to know where his son is. He needs-

“Eddie?” Eddie turns, his red rimmed eyes finding that of his ex-wife. She stands tall, eyes watery and sad but still so beautiful. Her hair comes down in soft rivers over ample breasts and a smooth figure. Her eyes bear into his with confusion and surprise. She wasn’t expecting him to come, that much is clear, but once she sees that it is him and he’s really here, they turn to anger. They turn to upset.

Eddie walks over to her, his hands held out, for what? He’s not sure. For her, for their son wherever he is maybe, but he’s not there. She doesn’t hold him close which means he’s not here, not right now. He’s getting looked at and treated, and it must be worse than she said because the ER has waiting lines that last hours in the double digits, but he needs to know all the same, he needs to know. He goes to her and for one quick instant he thinks it’s all going to be okay. That she’ll reach out for him back like she used to, but this time is different. She does no such thing.

Her hand goes back and comes across his cheek in a burn. The sound it echoes is deafening. The whole room goes quiet, even the people in pain go quiet, and so does Eddie. His hand comes up to his cheek not quite believing what happened. His eyes turn to her angry and upset ones with shock. A man, taller than them both comes over, his hand on her shoulder, rubbing gently. It’s not platonic, not the way he’s looking at her and that hurts more than the burn on his cheek. But this isn’t about her or him, this about his son. Their son.

“Is he okay?” It’s the first time he’s volunteered words in a very long time.

“Of course he’s not okay. Where the hell have you been!? Four months Eddie. Four whole fucking months.” Her words are knives in his heart. Has it really been that long? He can’t even remember. He went to the meeting and he got the chip, but when she called- when he tried to call, well, he couldn’t. He couldn’t do that to him, to her, it wouldn’t have been fair. None of it is fair on them.

“I think we all need to calm down.” Bobby’s voice is like a wave of calm order as he steps between them both, the man at Shannon’s side nodding along with him. It’s only then that Shannon snaps out of her anger, her brown eyes turning to Bobby’s in confusion. There’s words and questions burning on her lips but she never gets the chance to form them as a man in a white coat comes over.

“Christopher Diaz?” He asks.

Shannon, Eddie, her man, and Bobby turn to look at him, but it’s only Shannon who steps forward with a nod and says, “He’s my son. How is he? Is he okay? Did you get his fever down?”

The man nods. “Please, come into the waiting room and we’ll discuss your son’s prognosis.”

“But he’s okay, right?” The man, her new man asks, and Eddie feels that familiar twinge of anger and white hot jealously, but not for Shannon, for his son. How dare he? He’s no father. He’s not- He’s nothing.

Just like him.

Eddie follows with everyone else into the room, his eyes briefly flashing to Bobby’s, conveying what words cannot right now. _I’m afraid. I can’t do this alone. Please stay._ Bobby stays. Shannon doesn’t seem to mind or care, all of her attention focused on the doctor as they sit down in the small empty waiting room. She leans forward in her chair, on edge and afraid. She bites her lip in an old nervous habit as Eddie holds his hands together to stop them shaking. They sit, waiting.

“Your son has a very serious case of pneumonia.” The doctor starts of by saying. “But we’ve gotten his fever down, run some tests, and we’re very hopeful that he’ll get through this. It’s going to take some time but hopefully soon we will see an improvement.”

“So he’s okay?” Shannon asks, her voice gentle, delicate. The strength she has always possessed wavering slightly. Whenever this happened when they were together Eddie would always pick up the slack. He’d be there, the strength, the rock. That was his job. She was the ocean. Unpredictable, wild, but full of love of what is hers. He’s just a rock. He’s not really hers. Maybe he never was.

“He’s stable.” The doctor confirms, and it’s those words that seem to break something in Eddie. He feels it crumbling inside as Shannon asks to see him. Eddie doesn’t stick around to hear the rest. He heads out the door, running through hallway after hallway, the waiting room door banging shut behind him. It startles Shannon who looks up abruptly at his retreating form, anger firing up her bones once again. She opens her mouth to yell after him, but Bobby is already saying, “I’ll go after him.”

“Who are you?” Shannon asks instead of letting the anger get hold, her curiosity winning out in the end.

“I’m Bobby.” Bobby says quickly as he stands. “Your hus- ex-husbands friend.”

He changes his words at the look he gets from the other guy, the guy now at Shannon’s side where Eddie used to be.

“Eddie doesn’t have any friends.” Shannon says softly, sadly. “Not anymore.”

“He does now.” Bobby tells her. “More than that actually.”

Shannon’s eyebrows shoot through her bangs. “Are you…”

“No. No.” Bobby says quickly. “I’m- I’m his sponsor.”

Shannon’s eyes grow even more surprised at that. “So he went then? He went to the meeting.”

“He’s trying.” Bobby tells her gently, honestly before turning and heading after Eddie. He feels her eyes burning holes in his back all the way until he’s out of the door. Maybe he shouldn’t have said that, or said more than him being a friend, but she deserves to know that he’s trying. She should know. Eddie made the effort to come here, he cares deeply, and that never changes when you have a child. Not ever.

He doesn’t know where Eddie has gone but he can hazard a guess. He should check the cafeteria first, and then maybe the other waiting rooms or even his car, but deep within he knows exactly where Eddie has gone. He follows a nurse he asks in passing’s instructions. Down the hall on the left and to the elevator. Second floor, going up, once the doors open, first door on the right. The doors are big and heavy, but inviting. A warm glow surrounds them as Bobby walks towards it.

“I’m sorry.” Eddie says it with eyes on his hands as Bobby walks into the chapel, his footsteps calm and collected. He makes his way to the pew Eddie sits in and takes a seat. The wood is light, airy, and the chapel isn’t very big, but it’s big enough especially when they’re the only ones in here at the moment which is good. Bobby senses that Eddie likes his quiet, if that diner is anything to go by, although it does have some of the best coffee Bobby’s ever had, so that could be why he frequents it too.

“You don’t have to apologize to me.” Bobby tells him kindly.

Eddie doesn’t say anything to that. He doesn’t know how or what to say. Instead he sits, eyes on his hands that can’t seem to stop shaking. Despite that though his eyes are heavy, falling down on themselves. He’s usually asleep by now, Jerry Springer or some old movie in the background on his television. The straw touching his hands, reminding him then that he’s here and alive, and later when he wakes up screaming without making a noise that he’s here and alive again. But he’s not there, he’s here in a hospital chapel, too drunk to function. Too drunk to even go in and see how his son is doing.

“Everyone reaches their breaking point.” Bobby tells him after a few long moments of silence. His eyes are above, on the cross above them all. His hands are clasped together as if in prayer, his words calm, collected, and comforting, despite the dark undertones. “For a lot of people it’s when they die, or when someone they love dies or gets hurt because of what they did. Because of their problems. Because of their drinking.”

Eddie listens, his hands tightening around themselves, as if to strangle each other. His nails come out, denting little moon crests into the hardness of his skin.

“My wife, not Athena, but Marcy, my first wife was my last victim. Our kids were first. They died almost instantly, from inhalation from the fire I caused. She was burned but lived for a few days. I was too drunk to help them, and too high, but then I wasn’t. I was going through withdrawal and trying to be there for her too. Once I told her what happened, the fight she had left her, and why would it have stayed? Both of- Our babies gone.”

Eddie’s heart twists and pulls painfully at Bobby’s revelations, at his words of horror. His eyes can’t help but find Bobby’s. They still are turned to the cross, but as if he felt Eddie’s gaze, they shift looking and meeting Eddie’s. His hand reaches out to his shoulder clasping it gently, comforting, not just for Eddie but for himself too. “Don’t let your breaking point be death, Eddie. Let this be your breaking point.”

“Being sober is worse.” Eddie tells him honestly.

“Being drunk is worse too, but a child needs a dad. A kid needs his father, and no matter what’s happened we can turn things around if we want to. I have.”

Eddie nods, understanding his words, but not really understanding them at all until the dam breaks. His eyes well up and fall in large droplets down his cheeks in seconds. His hand comes up and rests on Bobby’s. He holds on for dear life as Bobby brings him close into a warm familiar hug. Eddie holds on as his chest heaves in great sobs. For himself. For his son. For everything he’s done. Everything he’s done wrong. Every single damn thing.

He doesn’t notice nor see as Shannon peaks in, her own eyes welling up at the sight before her.

“I- I have a problem.” Eddie says wetly into Bobby’s shirt collar.

Bobby nods. “I know, son. I know.”

Eddie’s next words are broken, “I need help.”


	5. Lodi

It’s been a month since Eddie has last sat down and been able to function normally. He celebrates this achievement by meeting Bobby at the diner. Everything is still dark and Eddie still likes it that way, but the tables are hard and cool, and real. The chair cushions a deep maroon that pierces into his vision like lightening. The feel of the coffee cup, smooth and hard. The laughter from nearby teenagers on their first date, ringing clear and happy in his ears. Bobby’s smile crinkling at the corner of his lips, showing his teeth, and giving him that extra bit of support. He doesn’t reach out for his hand like the first time they’ve met like this, instead he brings Bobby into a warm hug, short, but firm.

“Thank you.” Eddie says as they pull away and sit down. “For meeting me.”

Bobby’s eyebrows furrow at his words, and Eddie ducks his head. He was trying to say thank you for everything else, but he couldn’t. He can’t. He feels such shame and discontent. He’s not okay. He’s not even sure if this clear unaltered state will last. All he knows is everything feels so much more than it did before. The wind blowing on his face, the texture of the straw biting into him on his couch. How it’s more uncomfortable than ever to lay there, but only in the physical sense, in the emotional one it’s still very much as comfortable as ever. It’s all so new and eye opening, but along with reality comes the emotions from it, and those aren’t always so pretty. He hasn’t fallen into them yet, but he will, and then he really will be tested.

“Hungry?” Bobby asks.

“Starving.” Eddie admits. The drink is gone, the tremors, and nausea, all that remains is a deep bone hunger that encompasses all of him. It’s not just for the food he’s deprived himself off, but other things too. He finds himself staring after the neighbor who banged on his door before Shannon called him and sent him to the meeting, to Bobby. He stares after her and thinks about her in his bed. Smooth skin and soft curves. The closeness and the comfort of another. Touch. Not love, but being with another. He craves it. He aches for it.

They order breakfast, both of them finding out there it’s their favourite meals respectively. Eddie likes his eggs with sausage, Bobby with bacon. The coffee is good and washes it down deliciously. The toast with butter and strawberries on the side compliment the main courses wonderfully. Eddie finds that he eats the whole thing in moments, Bobby struggling behind but giving him a proud smile all the same. It’s the first time Eddie’s eaten a full meal. He has food at his place, but it’s not much. He can’t afford much which wasn’t a problem before because the drink was all that mattered, but now he finds himself giving that money to Shannon, for Christopher. He needs a lot more help than other kids.

“Thanksgiving is next week.” Bobby tells him as he wipes the bacon grease from his lips. “What are your plans?”

“Next week?” Eddie questions, surprise overtaking him. “I forgot.”

Bobby smiles gently. “Have you talked to Shannon about doing anything?”

Eddie’s eyes turn down. “She uh, I told her I was sober but she wanted to wait. A bit longer before- before I get to see him.”

“I’m sorry, Eddie.” Bobby says, his eyes guanine.

“Don’t be. My own fault. I always seem to be letting him down.” Eddie says without thinking. Before Bobby can respond he’s talking again, “I’ll probably do what I have been doing.”

“Or you could come to ours.” Bobby suggests.

Eddie is already shaking his head, but Bobby won’t let him get off that easy. “Come on, Eddie, there’s always room for one more. Athena really wants to meet you. She wants to know about this mysterious man I’ve been spending all my time with.”

Eddie’s lip upturn into a hint of a smile, before it turns the opposite as he asks, “Does she know about me?”

“She knows I met you in AA and that I’m your sponsor.” Bobby admits. “And that I took you to the hospital in the middle of the night because your son was sick.”

Eddie nods his head. “Okay.”

“So you’ll come?”

Eddie smiles. “Yeah, okay. Do I need to bring anything? I could pick something up at the store.”

Bobby shakes his head quickly. “No, trust me there will be more than enough food”

Eddie looks at him uncertainly, his hands curling around his napkin tightly. “Is this because of what I told you about- about my financial situation?”

Bobby quickly shakes his head. “No. No, it’s not. We really do always end up with more food than we need, but I have been thinking about it. I know you’re probably not ready now, but if you do want to get a job, a few hours a week even a friend of mine is looking for someone for his warehouse. It’s manual labour but it pays well, and it’s only a few hours a week for now. It’s okay not to be ready. When you are, I’ll-”

“It sounds great.” Eddie cuts in. He feels the nervousness enter his stomach in little butterfly flaps. He’s not sure if he’s ready, but what he is sure of is that spending his days in that apartment, sober, is going to drive him back to drinking sooner than he’d like. All there is to do is to think, and that can be very, very dangerous for him. Besides, Shannon and Christopher needs the money.

“Are you sure?” Bobby asks, and he wouldn’t be Bobby if he didn’t.

Eddie nods his head. “Yeah.”

“I’ll give him your number… Dinner next week, it’s going to be at two, and there will be a few people there. My friends from the 118 are coming, I hope you don’t mind. If you do, or if it gets too much tell me.”

“I’ll be fine, Bobby.” Eddie says with a slight laugh. Sometimes it feels like Bobby’s more his father than his sponsor and friend. Not that he really minds, not when his own father already turned his back on him. Gave up. Locked the door and threw away the key. Eddie doesn’t want to think about that though, so instead he looks up and does the best he can to say, “Thank you.”

Pride has always been something he kept close tucked around him, never asking for any help, and feeling too embarrassed to do so. He still does, he still feels unsettled by it, and by the kindness Bobby has shown him. He’s not altogether sure he deserves it, but he needs to get his life together. He needs to be there for his son. He needs a father, and to be honest that kid deserves the fucking world. It’s a shame, a damn shame that he can’t give it to him, that he was stuck with a father like him. But he can give him this. He can give him his dad back, even if it does feel like he’s wearing a mask, a façade around himself a lot of the time. He can do it. He can. For Christopher.

Bobby said not to bring anything, but maybe another pie wouldn’t hurt. Everyone loves pie.


	6. Green River

The house is nice. Really nice. It’s modern with high windows and a brown and red that complement each other well. Eddie sees that there’s a garden, pretty flowers dotting along circled by a wooden gate that binds it all together. The flowers are yellows, reds, and pinks. It makes this house look more like a home, lived in and loved in. The grey brown bench in front of it inviting. It says, ‘come in to our home.’ It tells Eddie that Bobby and Athena aren’t only married or partners, but a family. Them and the kids. Bobby confessed to him once that they were more like his own than anything to do with ‘step,’ but he’s not their dad. Eddie asked him in return why they can’t have two dads, Bobby simply smiled at that. Eddie smiles now thinking about it.

He balances the pie in one hand as he knocks gently on the wooden door, tall and intimidating due to what’s on the other side. He’s already seen various cars parked outside of the house, telling him that mostly everyone is here already, and he would have been too, sooner that is, but the bus doesn’t run on the holidays and he ended up only having enough money for a taxi to bring him a few blocks away from here. He had to walk the rest of the way, delaying him for over half an hour. But he’s here and the pie is relatively okay, so he waits, but he doesn’t have to wait long.

“Hi, I’m Eddie.” He says to the young woman, May he’s sure. The eldest in her last year of high school, and on to college next. She wants to be a veterinarian Bobby told him, but then she changed her mind to a doctor, and then back to some sort of politician or socialist. Maybe even a journalist. She wasn’t sure, Bobby admitted, but that was okay because she’s young. She has all the time in the world and every door is open to her. Eddie’s almost half way through his own, his prospects, his doors quickly closing behind him.

“Bobby’s friend.” May says with a gentle smile. “I’m May, come in.”

She opens the door wide, backing away to let him in, and shutting the door behind him. Eddie walks in a little tentatively as he takes in the large house. It’s got a ceiling that touches the sky, a light fixture that is more like a chandler, and a large dining room just below the stairs from the front door. Eddie makes his way down them, May in front, and gawks. It’s moderately sized he’s sure, for any family, but for him it’s so nice. So well put together. It makes him bow his head in shame and embarrassment as he recalls the straw couch and dark walls with chips in every foot apart from the next in his own place. He’s more grateful to himself than ever that he never invited Bobby over.

“You made it.” Bobby says with a smile as he cuts through the various people standing around and talking, most with a drink in hand. It makes Eddie sweat and become nervous, sick even, but he tries to push it down. He can do this. He’s not going to crack at the first sign of something to drink. He won’t.

“Yeah, sorry car broke down.” Eddie lies as Bobby takes his hand in his. They shake on it as woman, tall and stern, and exactly what Eddie was expecting walks forward. She has a smile that graces her features though, and eyes that are welcoming, that are almost home. She’s beautiful and regal, and exactly what Bobby deserves. He deserves to be happy. What he did was a mistake. It was an accident. What Eddie did was nothing but that.

“Eddie?” Bobby questions, and it’s only then that Eddie realizes he hasn’t let go of his hand. He does so now quickly, apologizing with a tight smile before turning back to Athena.

“Hi, I’m Eddie.” Hs holds out his hand for her and she takes it.

“It’s nice to meet you. We were just about to sit down.” Athena says as her grip is firm in his hand. She lets go with her last word, and Eddie smiles at the sincerity in her ‘nice to meet you.’

“He hasn’t met everyone yet.” Bobby interjects, his eyes on hers, fond and very much in love. Eddie’s seen that look, never in his own eyes or Shannon’s but in his best friend Tommy’s. In- In…

“I’m Hen, and this is my wife Karen.” A woman steps in, big glasses and a big smile. Her hand is encased by another, both stunning women.

“Hi.” Eddie says lamely, unsure of what else he can say.

“Hen is a medic on our team. Her partner is Chimney here.” Bobby tells him, pointing to another man and a woman close to his side. Brown hair and brown eyes. His own being black. Eddie nods and smiles at them before Bobby continues to Michael, Athena’s ex and father to her kids, to the kids in question May and Harry, and to Hen and Karen’s, Denny. The woman by Chimney is named Maddie, not part of Bobby’s 118, but a 9-1-1 operator and sister to someone who is. Buck.

“Nice to meet you.” Buck says, and he doesn’t hold out his hand out like the rest of them, making Eddie want to hold his just the bit more because of it, but he doesn’t. He simply nods and lets his gaze linger on the blonde’s clear eyes, his strange mark above his eye, and then moves on. They’re going to eat. It is Thanksgiving after all, and he was late, delaying everyone. He feels enormous guilt for that but there’s not much he can do about it now, and him weakly holding out the pie to Athena does hardly anything to clear that guilt either. But he knows what would- No. No, he’s not going there.

“I know some of you might not be religious, but I think we should say a silent prayer, whether it’s religious or to say thanks for what we’ve been given this year.” Bobby starts of by saying, and nobody disagrees. Everyone bows their heads and does as he says. Eddie included, but for him he can’t find it in himself to be thankful. He feels selfish for it, but a part of him wishes he never met Bobby, that he never got better because he doesn’t feel better. Not really. Maybe that will change though, once he starts the new job and finally gets to see Christopher again. Maybe then things will change. Maybe then he’ll stop having that urge.

“Let’s dig in.”

The meal is delicious. There’s a turkey bigger than him at the center of it all, potatoes, carrots, gravy, buns, and everything else you could think of. Eddie hasn’t seen a Thanksgiving like this in a very long, in fact it’s been years. Last year he was kicked out by his then wife, the few years before that he was overseas. He never really thought he was missing much, the dinners with his family always being a noisy and exhausting ordeal, but sitting here now with everyone he misses it. He misses the Spanish thrown from sister to sister about boyfriends or clothes, or whatever other grudge they want to get out now that they’re finally forced under the same roof together again. It was a chaotic mess, but it was his chaotic mess.

“I should get going.” Eddie says with an attempt at a smile as he finds Bobby alone at last, the meal over. Bobby gives him a concerned look.

“Are you sure? We haven’t had pie yet.” Bobby says, his cranberry juice in one hand and his other on Eddie’s shoulder now. Eddie shakes him off and nods.

“I’ll talk to you soon.” He tells him. Bobby looks like he wants to argue but instead decides against it, and only nods too. Eddie gives him a smile that he hopes comes across grateful and thankful for being invited when in reality he feels anything but. He feels more empty and unconnected. He feels lost. He gets out of there in record timing because of it, shoes on feet, jacket done up, and legs carrying him halfway down the street. He feels the stone, the heavy weight of everything pile on him until it’s hard to breathe. He shouldn’t have come. He shouldn’t even be here.

“Eddie! Eddie, wait!” A voice calls, causing Eddie to turn around in confusion to someone, a stranger before tonight running toward him.

“Buck?” Eddie asks. He only spoke a few words to him tonight when they were introduced before Buck was off talking to someone else. He had a big smile on his face the whole time, and Eddie’s a little ashamed to admit it but he was jealous of that, and he couldn’t look away. Buck was so happy, so warm, and so bright. He warmed Eddie with only a few words and his presence so close but not touching his. He warmed him, but that just made him emptier, because he’ll never be that happy. He’ll never have purpose or love the way others do. He doesn’t deserve it. He barely deserves to breathe.

“Sorry.” Buck says with a sheepish grin, a container of something in hand. “You walk fast, but uh, Athena- and Bobby wanted you to have some leftovers.”

He hands him the container and Eddie stares at it in confusion, his chest filling with something he can’t describe. Buck looks at him like he’s a bit crazy but then Eddie takes the container and Buck’s smiling again. “It was good to meet you.” Buck says. “See you around.” He turns and walks away, Eddie’s eyes trailing after him. His heart, the hole filling fast like quicksand. He watches Buck go and, and it-

He starts crying, and he can’t seem to stop, but it’s okay because Buck is already far enough away that he can’t see or hear him.


	7. Commotion

“So how’d it go?” Bobby asks as he reaches his fork out to the eggs in front of him. The metal glints in the newly refurbished lights of the diner. It was purchased by new owners recently and although they’re keeping mostly everything the same, something things have been changed. New lights for one, bright enough so that everything can been seen clear and real. Eddie’s not so sure how he feels about that just yet. The darkness will always be his friend and only companion but the light lets him see the small little details on Bobby’s features he’s never noticed before, how his nose sort of twitches when he’s mad, and how his eyes dart around when he doesn’t know what to say. He sees the food for what it is, and he sees his own hands scarred but still there despite where they’ve been.

“What do you mean?” Eddie asks, his hand reaching for his coffee. He’s not eating today, he already did this morning, and he’s not hungry anymore. Not after he had a nap and woke up in terror. Not after yesterday when his chest heaved so great he thought it and himself were going to collapse into itself. He finds himself struggling more than ever, a lot of it having to do with Christopher. He’s happy. He’s good, and Shannon’s found someone else. A guy who can keep a good job and who drives his truck around like it’s his own, when it was Eddie who bought it. Eddie who left it for Shannon for Christopher. Like all of Eddie’s life is his own, which is fair because he’s slotted himself right into it. Christopher looks at him like- like he matters, more than Eddie ever has.

“With Christopher.” Bobby’s eyebrows are drawn together, concerned, probably because of how excited Eddie was a few days ago at the prospect of seeing his son again. He was over the moon, but now he’s under it. He’s on the ground, under the dirt, and he’s lost. He’s grasping at straws, at things that matter but that don’t really matter for him. He’s chewed up and spit out. He doesn’t have a place here, not anywhere, not really. But he can’t say these things to Bobby, not all of it because than it will go somewhere he can’t go. He’ll never go. Not again. Not ever. Not-

“Fine.” Eddie nods. “I- I should go soon.”

“You just got here.”

“I’ve got a shift soon.” Eddie says, and it’s not a lie, he does have one, but it isn’t for a few hours. The job is okay, it’s nothing special or much, he lifts boxes and checks inventory, but it pays money. Money he can give to Shannon for Christopher, not that they need it when they have him, Alex is his fucking name. Alex Whitter. Perfect Alex. Unbroken, undisturbed, and not one to ever give up on them. Not like him.

“Okay.” Bobby says with a nod, but he sounds unconvinced. “Before you go we’re hosting a toy drive at my firehouse on the ninetieth. You should come. We could use the extra help.”

Eddie stills, his eyes bearing into Bobby’s, uncertain. First the disastrous Thanksgiving where he felt so out of place he couldn’t get out of there fast enough, and when he finally did he broke apart. Broke apart because of one dinner and a few people. What could he do at this toy drive? What could he possible help anyone with. He doesn’t help. He ruins. He wrecks. He makes the wrong choices. He does it all wrong, always.

“Please come.” Bobby says, his eyes begging. He’s afraid. The realization jolts Eddie as he stares at him. He’s scared for Eddie. For him. Of what he’s going to do, what he will, and it’s- it’s strange. It feels strange to know that someone still cares, even if it is someone he hasn’t hurt yet, who doesn’t know what he is capable of. Someone who only sees the good.

“Yeah, okay.” He says eventually, because he will go, but he won’t be there long. He’ll bring a toy, as close to as expensive as he can get, and then he’ll be gone. He’ll slip away and- and maybe he’ll buy a bottle. Maybe if he gets through this he’ll just have one drink. One drink to reward himself for all he’s done. He tells himself it’s only one drink, but deep within he does know better. He knows where it will lead, but for some reason he doesn’t care anymore. After all, if he doesn’t- well, no one else does either anyway. One drink.

One drink.

“See you in a few days, Bobby.”

He makes sure to leave a generous tip for Flow despite his money troubles, she’s worse off, it’s only her and her two kids.

~

The firehouse towers above him with intimidating fashion. The windows and glass are wide and eye opening. The doors held open, inviting, and allowing anyone and everyone to enter, and there are so many. They come walking in, presents under every arm. Some wrapped, and some just toys. New, most of them are new, and it leaves something nice and warm moving in Eddie’s chest. Sometimes it surprises him how good and kind people can be. He supposes he’s seen more of the worst of people than the best in his life, so images like this do surprise him even though it would be better for all if it didn’t.

He follows a middle aged woman and her daughter inside. They have three toys in arms, a toy truck, some Barbie’s, and a playdough set. They’re all big and shiny, and brand new. It makes the small board game he carries in one hand feel so small and insufficient. He feels a little embarrassed at how it only cost five dollars, and how that was all he could afford. He should have given more, but he can’t. All he has goes to the rent and to his kid. He knows that’s not nothing, to be able to give money to Christopher, but it still feels to him like an excuse for not giving more. He still feels guilty for it.

“Eddie?” A voice asks.

Eddie looks up to the person behind the table, box in front of him full of various toys. He has a big smile on his features, a little surprised, but not bad surprised, happy. Eddie can’t help but match Buck’s happiness. His warmth radiating out to him, circling around himself, and bringing him closer. He doesn’t even realize it as first but he’s already walking towards him and then he’s there. His eyes on meeting Buck’s, the height difference a little more apparent, but that’s not what Eddie notices, instead it’s the red hat with the white ball on the end that Buck wears. It suits him, just as much as the uniform does. Fitting him perfectly.

“What are you doing here?” Buck asks.

“Bobby didn’t tell you?” Eddie asks.

Buck shakes his head, causing the tail of his hat to whip from one cheek to the other.

“He told me to stop by.” Eddie says, trying to cut through the noise as it gets increasingly busier in here. Eddie feels someone brush against him, something poking in his back. He’s not sure what it is but it brings back memories of _hard dirt and grit getting stuck in his hand as he falls, trying to stop it with his hands out front. He’s yelling and he’s telling someone to do something but- but-_

“Eddie?” The concern in Buck’s voice is evident, but it snaps Eddie out of it, his hands shaking as he hands the small board game over to Buck. Buck looks down at it in confusion and concern but eventually takes it. As soon as it’s out of his hands Eddie turns with a nod, and makes his way out of there, rushing past that people, shaky hands in his pocket looking for his ‘in case of emergencies’ pack of cigarettes. He doesn’t smoke, he really doesn’t, but when it comes to moments like these he needs something. Something. Anything- something. “Eddie? Eddie!?”

He ignores the calls of his name from this Buck and makes his way to the back of the firehouse where it’s quiet, where no one else is. He takes out the smoke with shaking fingers and lights it after five failed attempts to do so. The nicotine smells so sweet, and when he has a drag, it burns going down in the best way. In a way that burns his mind, burns out the memories, and leaves nothing but the calmness of the air and the rapidly darkening sky. He’s okay. He’s here and he’s okay.

“Eddie?”

Eddie looks up to the man, surprise and confusion at seeing Buck here, following after him, but then again he did leave with barely a word his way. Buck’s eyes dart from the cigarette to Eddie’s eyes, searching. He’s probably wondering if he’s okay now, if the panic from before and whatever else it was is gone now, which it is. The cigarette saw to that, Buck must see this as he nods, more relaxed now, but he doesn’t leave, instead he steps closer.

“It’s a little ironic.” Buck says, his lips upturned on the verge of laughter.

Eddie looks to him, his turn now to be confused. “What is?”

“Smoking outside a firehouse.”

It takes a minutes for it to sink in but then they’re both laughing and it’s hoarse, uncertain, Eddie’s laughter is anyway. Some of the hoarseness can be chalked up to the smoking, but not all of it, most of it’s because he hasn’t done it for a very long time. He hasn’t laughed. Not truly, not genuinely. Nor has he been happy. Or warm, or anything good until now. Until this guy, this Buck said the stupidest thing.

Eventually the laughter dies down, and Buck grows serious, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” Eddie says.

And it’s not a lie either. He is, okay, for now. His cigarette is to a stub now, so he drops it and steps on it. It’s out and gone. Buck watching the movements before turning his eyes back to Eddie. He seems to be debating something for a while before he settles on saying to Eddie, “Did you want to come back inside? We could use some help.”

Eddie feels his chest tighten in fear and anxiety, panic, but then the guilt comes. It’s overwhelming like an ocean tide coming in. It swims into his chest, filling up and around his heart before Eddie even has the words out. But then they are out and he’s saying, “I can’t.” Eddie almost gives him an excuse about work, or some other bullshit, but looking to Buck’s baby blues he can’t do it. He can’t lie or give any excuse, only the truth. Only the reality. Hard and horrible.

“I’ll see you around then. Maybe- Maybe I don’t know we could get a drink sometime or something?” Buck asks a little awkwardly, and Eddie almost bursts out into laughter once again. Thankfully he keeps it in, but his lips do smile in affection for the younger man, if nothing else than for his innocence and his stumbling into trying to do things right. He gets there in the end (unlike him) but it’s endearing.

“I can’t.” Eddie repeats, and Buck’s face drops so Eddie has to reiterate. To explain, because apparently Bobby only told Athena how they met. “Maybe if you’re not too busy getting cats out of trees we could I don’t know, get a coffee?”

Buck smiles relieved and a little unsure. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Eddie confirms, and even he’s surprised by how right and how true it sounds. “Coffee would be nice.”


	8. Down On The Corner

Eddie stares at the papers, a large stack on top of a yellow envelope with neatly typed words all up and down the page. It’s all nonsense for the most part for Eddie, he was never a well-educated man, never made it to college or university. He wasn’t qualified, or so that’s what he told Shannon and anyone else that would ask. The truth is he went from graduating at the young age of eighteen to drafting into the military as a medic, which isn’t nothing when he thinks about all of the learning and training that goes into it, but it’s not a degree and he didn’t learn about fancy words or how to conduct oneself in important legal papers. So he stares, unsure, and overwhelmed.

He wasn’t expecting these to be here when he got back from his shift, and yet the envelope was there, squished into the small slot of his mailbox. Eddie’s pretty sure from what he’s seen in movies and TV shows that someone is supposed to serve them to you, but it seems in real life that’s not always true. At the very least he thought he’d get a phone call from Shannon, but he didn’t. He was angry at first at that realization but then he remembered the visit at the house- their- her house, and he remembers her saying something about it. He wasn’t really paying attention, Alex’s arm around her shoulder, his son colouring in front of him. Both taking up more of his attention than any important words ever could. She must have said something then, he just wasn’t really there like before. He never was, why should now be any different?

He told Bobby that they were divorced, okay so he never said those words exactly, but he did indicate it. After the hospital he was more honest with him, not completely but he did talk about Shannon up to a point and maybe it did help, he’s not sure. He never thought talking about shit got anything done or helped. His father was always a man of action and he expected just as much if not more from his only living son. Eddie wishes he was more for him, for all of them, but he wasn’t and that’s why- that’s why he lost them. That’s why he lost Shannon and Christopher too. He just keeps losing people left and right. It sends him spiralling.

He wants a drink. He said he was going to at the toy drive but then Buck came and they were supposed to have coffee. Eddie wanted to do that more than anything. He has coffee with Bobby a lot and it’s great but Bobby can be a bit bran, a bit more stable, which is good, but something tells Eddie that Buck could bring just a little more warmth, a little more laughter. He did so before almost effortlessly, and ever since then it’s all Eddie can think about. His little quip about smoking in front of a firehouse. He wants that coffee, but then buck texted him something about a family emergency, after that nothing. Nothing until now.

He sits at the dingy kitchen table, one leg needing to be propped up with a block of wood, his chair an uncomfortable wooden one to match the table. He’s put a pillow on the seat to help but it doesn’t really do much. If he was drinking he wouldn’t really notice, but he’s not, and maybe that should feel like a win but it doesn’t. He’s stuck here staring at the papers, and at his phone, because fate is a mysterious thing and as soon as he took the papers out his phone pinged with a message from what he first thought was an unknown number but soon turned out to be Buck. His thumb hovers over the keyboard, looking for a response but unable to find one, so instead he just stares at the words;

_sorry about the past couple weeks._

_its buck btw_

_im free now_

_for coffee_

_if u r_

_if u want_

The messages stop there and Eddie sighed a breath of relief because of it, and yet despite the relief there was something else. Something akin to disappointment because he wants Buck to keep talking even if he can’t respond. Even if he doesn’t know how to, but he stops. Why would he keep texting anyway? Why would anyone? Buck doesn’t really know him yet and vice versa, but after Eddie freaked out at the toy drive, well why would he keep trying to be his friend? Eddie isn’t much of a person, let alone a friend right now. He’s not even sure why Bobby still talks to him, but he can hazard a guess. He’s a good guy and Eddie won’t go back to the meetings so maybe he feels obligated. Eddie doesn’t know. Eddie doesn’t care, except that he does.

It all comes back to these papers. This is the true defining end to their marriage, and to the life he once had. He feels overwhelming grief to it, because it wasn’t all bad. It wasn’t always awful. He was once a good dad, and a decent husband. He made her smile with big sunflowers on birthdays and mothers days. He made Christopher squeal with laughter at the Santa Monica pier, and the trips to the zoo on his leave. Their Christmas where Christopher would wake them up at five in the morning, and the Halloween’s where Shannon and Christopher dragged Eddie into dressing up. The nights where they’d sit outside and watch the stars, all three of them, happy and content.

They were happy, once upon a time where he didn’t drink and where- and where.

“WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!?”

Eddie startles his eyes looking from the sudden hole in the wall down to his aching fist, bloody and red. His skin is in tatters and it’s not from one hit, one punch, no he must have been doing it for a while. It cuts and stings, but for some reason it’s far away, barely there as the knocking on his door gets louder and louder, until the door simply opens. His landlord comes running in, concern and a little fear on his features. His silver hair moves as he looks up and down Eddie, then toward the damage on the kitchen wall, damage Eddie must have done but he- he doesn’t remember.

“Diaz, what the hell are you doing?” He asks, eyes wide.

Eddie looks to him, shocked and confused just as much as he is. He should say something, explain, and find a way out of this, but where would he even start? He can’t. He doesn’t know how. “I- I-”

“Save it.” His landlord, Max says quick, hand held up. “I’m sorry, Eddie, but after the noise complaints, and now this I can’t have you here. I know you’re a veteran but this is going too far. You have three days to leave.”

For his credit Max looks genuinely sorry as he turns and leaves, barely a backward glance his way. Eddie’s left with a fist burning, and shock filling into his lungs like ice water. Where the hell is he going to go? And what the hell is he going to do? Convicted. He can’t find a place, affordable for his checks. Not like this, and not in three days. He- He- Divorce papers. They sit there on the table, mocking him, and his phone, ringing. Ringing. Ringing.

_Ringing._

_James._


	9. Fortunate Son

_“Come on.” Eddie says, his words quieter as they make it back to their bunks. Their accommodations, if you can call them that are far greater here than they were at the last place. They’re in an abandoned school, leaving plenty of empty rooms and some modicum of privacy. It’s a privilege more than anything else, one which many of the guys are taking full advantage of, not that there are many women around not that they’re always needed. Eddie tries not to judge, it’s hard out here, and when you’ve been here almost a year it’s even worse. He keeps a picture of Shannon, him, and Christopher from Christmas last year in his vest, and by his mat when he’s sleeping. They keep him going._

_“I’M FINE.” James says far too loud than need be. His long locks of curly brown hair escaping in a frenzy from his pulled up hood. They had some time off so they took full advantage. It’s not permitted but they find ways to sneak stuff in, and sometimes- nay, most of the time you need it. They don’t drink on the job, only after when they’re trying not to think about where the bullets landed this time. Or onto who._

_“Shh.” Eddie says to the younger man as he wraps his arm around him tighter, making their way to their ‘bedroom.’ Even though there are many rooms and there’s always someone guarding, no one likes to sleep alone. It feels too open, and far too dangerous. Eddie and James have known each other since basic, they’re comfortable with each other, and there were hardly any words needed to confirm their sleeping arrangements yesterday when they figuring them out. They work together. They fit together. Eddie thinks sometimes he fits better together with James by his side then Shannon ever did, but whenever that thought crosses into his mind he quickly pushes it away. The guilt of it and the insinuation becoming too much._

_“Come on, James, lay down.” Eddie says with a soft whisper as he sets James down onto his mat carefully. James should let go, let him go, but he doesn’t. He hangs on, hands gripping into Eddie’s shirt, onto his chest, drunken but sober enough eyes to know what he’s doing staring into Eddie’s. Eddie’s had some to drink, but he’s always been better at holding his liquor than anyone else in their squad._

_“Lay with me?” James asks slowly, eyes sad and big, and **beautiful.**_

_Eddie always hits himself for that last part, but he can’t deny James, not when he feels so lonely and lost himself. He hasn’t touched another, not sexually but intimately in a very long time. To straight tours, one after the other will do that to you, so he nods, and he lays down. James has always been a cuddler, his arms wrapping around him quickly and it’s nice. It’s good. It’s-_

_“What are you doing?” Eddie asks, his eyes wider as he feels James’ hands lightly touch across his face, another hand going lower._

_“You stare at me.” James says slowly. “When you think I’m not looking.”_

_Eddie starts to shake his head, his chest heaving, but James won’t give up._

_“Shh, it’s okay.” James tells him gently. “It’s just you and me, Diaz, you and me. Whatever happens here I won’t tell no one, okay?”_

_Eddie’s eyes squeeze shut, the internal struggle and battle waging highly. He’s stuck and lost all in one. He doesn’t know what to do or how to feel, or even how to think. He did stare, and he did watch, but it’s not how- it’s not-_

_“It’s okay.” James says again, and he’s closer this time, Eddie can feel it but he doesn’t open his eyes. He keeps them tightly shut as lips press against his, gentle and reassuring but that’s Shannon isn’t it? It’s always Shannon. Shannon. Shannon. Shan-_

_He reaches over and feels for the photograph, and before he can second guess himself he turns it over and puts his hands on James. He kisses back and it’s hard, it’s fierce. It’s needy. It’s desperate, and it’s so, so good. Everything he’s ever denied himself. Everything is here in front of him. And Dios, he’s not fire. His skin burns in the best way with every touch James gives him. He’s on the edge and he’s back and- and-_

_“I’ve always loved you, Eddie.”_

_~_

_The next day they’re on the field. Eddie is the medic among them all, and even that doesn’t protect him from carrying a gun and firing back. He tells Shannon that he’s relatively safe, but that’s a lie. He just doesn’t want her to worry, but he can’t think about her right. He can’t, not when there’s gunshots coming from both directions, James at his side like he was last night… And that’s where it all leads to. He’s so lost in thought that he never sees it coming. **Pop. Pop. Pop.** He looks over and James has fallen._

_Eddie acts with quick precision. He runs over and grabs him the shoulders, bringing him around to safety behind an abandoned jeep flipped on its side. He presses his hands to the blood on James’ side, but it’s not bad. He’ll live. Eddie looks down into his eyes to tell him and James must have seen the relief in his because he’s smiling until-_

_He can’t hear, he can’t see. The ringing in his head is so loud. He looks everywhere. Where is James? Where-_

_He lays there on fire, and Eddie tries to grab him. His hands burn and are marked, scarred forever as he pulls him out. He pulls him to what he thinks is safety but then he’s looking down at his- at him and he’s not gone long. He’s injured badly. He can’t get him out of this hot zone. He knows that cold hard truth before it really hits him. He can’t do anything. Not for him like this, and defiantly not alone._

_Where did everyone go- Where-_

**_Pop. Pop. Pop._ **

_Eddie ducks away from the shots as best as he can, James’ eyes closed and lost, but he’s still breathing. He’s still alive. Barely, but he’s alive. Eddie listens with his ear to James chest as he hangs on. He can’t get him out of here and- and Dios, he hears them. They’re coming. They’re here. They’re- They’re-_

_Before he really even knows what he is doing, Eddie has gripped his gun, and he has to decide. He has to make a decision. James will be dead no matter what. No matter what. It’s what he keeps saying over and over as he-_

“Eddie?”


	10. Travelin' Band

“I was trying to call Bobby.” Eddie says eventually in the deafening silence that now exists between them. It doesn’t help, the fact that Buck’s place is so big with so much empty space. The ceilings are high and there’s a loft with a bed, a living room joint kitchen below where they stand. There aren’t any walls diving or shutting out others. It’s a new concept for Eddie, and he’s not really sure why anyone would want to live like this. He had to, but that was because he didn’t have a choice. Growing up it was always a struggle to gain privacy so when he and Shannon were looking for a place, he made sure there were doors and rooms, but this isn’t that. This is all Buck.

“Yeah, well I could have called him.” Buck admits, his eyes uncertain. “But I didn’t know if you’d want me to.”

Eddie looks from Buck’s eyes to his lips, then down to the clothes he’s wearing. Sweatpants and a sweatshirt. They’re both a dark grey, matching too much to actually be matching. He must have thrown it on haphazardly. Either that or he was sleeping, it is two in the morning after all, closer to one when Buck came and got him. He was at a bar with a bag of everything he owns, including the divorce papers and he had already had a couple of glasses of whiskey. Not enough to get him drunk or even buzzed for that matter, but he was close, and he wasn’t done, but then Buck’s face was in his vision. Concern and tired eyes staring at him in confusion. It was then that Eddie snapped out of his stupor and it all came back.

“I’m sorry for this.” Eddie says because he needs to apologize. They were supposed to have coffee and he ignored him, then called him from a bar for a ride- or help or whatever the fuck it was. They don’t even know each other, not really, only the mutual friendship of Bobby cutting in and wrapping them together. Other than that there isn’t much. Why did he call him? Why didn’t he just press Bobby’s number? Why is he so out of it lately?

“Don’t be sorry.” Buck says quickly. “I couldn’t sleep anyway.”

Eddie looks at him, half smiling in appreciation at the lie, but he should go. He doesn’t even know why he followed Buck home, Buck did insist but he doesn’t know him. Eddie doesn’t belong here and he says as much. “I shouldn’t be here.”

“Do you want me to call Bobby?” Buck says, his voice uncertain even more so. “Because I- It’s none of my business but you met through AA, right?”

Eddie’s ears burn in shame and embarrassment, his eyes looking down with a shake of his head. Buck must sense his sour mood now as he quickly says to him, “It’s okay. I don’t- I don’t have to tell him, but alcoholics, addicts, they relapse. It happens. Bobby did you know? But we helped him and he’s okay now.”

Eddie’s eyes snap up to meet Buck’s. Alcoholic. Addict. He’s never used those words to describe himself. He never let Bobby do it either. He doesn’t go to meetings, and he doesn’t ask for help. He doesn’t want it and just because he needs it doesn’t mean- He can’t breathe. His heart starts pounding faster and the panic sets in, but Buck is there in front of him in an instant. Hands on his shoulders and eyes gaining his gaze. Locked onto him Buck breathes deeply, making Eddie match it until the panic starts to subside. Eddie can’t help but grip on Buck, one hand in his shirt clutching it tightly and the other on one of Buck’s hands that are at his shoulder. The contact burning but anchoring. He stares into Buck’s eyes and breathes with him. He breathes.

“It’s okay, just like that, okay? In and out.” Buck encourages. “You’re okay. You’re okay. I’m sorry about what I said. Stay here tonight okay? You can have my bed-”

Eddie’s eyes become wider and Buck quickly backtracks. “The couch is good too. I have an extra blanket somewhere. Stay here.” _Stay with me._

Eddie nods, his breathing quiet and calmer, but they’re still interconnected, hands on each other. Eyes locked onto one another’s. Eddie can’t say no, not like this, and not when he can hardly think. He can only say yes. Buck smiles slightly, pleased at Eddie’s response, even if it is muted and no words are exchanged, they’re not really needed. Not when they’re this close. When Eddie can feel every breath Buck takes and vice versa.

“I’ll get the blanket.” Buck says, but there’s lingering question there. Can I let go of you? Will you be okay? Can you breathe?

Eddie nods, and a bit reluctantly takes his hands back from Buck. They burn from the contact with physical warmth and from heat that comes from his chest. His heat still pounding but not as bad, and not because of the panic, but because of Buck. His breath in his own, Buck giving it willingly, and he’s okay. He watches Buck go up his stairs to his loft to retrieve the blanket, Eddie’s eyes lingering on him the whole way.

“It’s only one of my pillows.” Buck says when he’s back, a dark green blanket in one hand and a grey pillow in the other. “It’s all I’ve got, if that’s not okay though I can-”

“It’s fine.” Eddie cuts in, his lips tinged with a smile.

Buck smiles too. “I’ll leave you to it, unless you need anything?”

Eddie shakes his head. “No. Thanks Buck, you’re a good guy.”

“I don’t know about that.” Buck says, his eyes looking down, but Eddie only smiles, knowing how right he is.

“You are.”

Buck smiles, then turns and goes up the stairs and back to his bed, leaving Eddie alone downstairs to ready the couch for himself. He places the pillow down and reaches over to the lamp, switching it off and putting the room into darkness. His hands reach blindly for the first few minutes while putting the blanket down until he gets used to it, once he does it’s a breeze getting the blanket unfolded and laid on top of himself. His head landing into the fluffy pillow, the scent of Buck, the scent that filled him as he tried to breathe, as Buck helped him to breathe filling him now, and again. He doesn’t want to admit it, but it helps send him down into sleep quicker than usual.

~

“Sorry.” Buck says sheepishly as Eddie raises his head at the sudden noise, the clattering of dishes coming from nearby. He finds himself rubbing the sleep out of his eyes and staring at Buck’s figure standing in a kitchen. It doesn’t seem or feel right, and that’s because it’s not. It takes Eddie a few minutes to realize where he is and what happened. Soon enough it’s all coming back, getting kicked out, divorce paper, and the bar then… He tried calling Bobby but hit Buck instead. Buck found him and brought him here. He couldn’t breathe.

“It’s okay.” Eddie says as he stands up, walking over to Buck, unsure and unsteady. “I guess I should go.”

Buck’s smile of greeting falls. “You haven’t had breakfast yet. It’s the most important meal of the day, Eddie.”

Eddie can’t help but chuckle at that. “You’ve done enough. Thanks for letting me stay here.”

Buck nods. “You can stay here longer.”

Eddie’s eyes snap up. “What?”

Buck looks a little awkward as he places the plates he was reaching for down and says, “You told me last night that you got kicked out of your place. I- I have a couch it’s probably awful but you can stay here until you find a new place. I’m guessing you have other friend’s but-”

“So we’re friends now.” Eddie can’t help but say, his teasing side seemingly to come out now of all times. Usually he would be straight forward, nothing else, and yet Buck’s warmth seems to be warming him up. Just a little bit of course.

“Uh…” Buck looks uncertain, a little scared.

“We’re friends.” Eddie says with conviction. “But I don’t want to impose.”

“You’re not!” Buck says quickly as he walks around his kitchen table and comes over to Eddie. His Rudolph boxers shining brightly in the morning daylight of his large windows as he walks over to Eddie. Eddie didn’t notice he wasn’t wearing pants until now, not that is should bother him. He’s seen far worse in the army, but it’s Buck and he’s a bit ridiculous and different, in a good way, so Eddie tries his best not to let the laugh that’s bursting from within to come out. “I offered.”

“Okay.” Eddie says finally, agreeing, unable to argue when that red nose is staring at him.

Buck smiles wide. “Awesome.”

“Where’s your bathroom?”

Buck points over to the right of them, and Eddie nods in gratitude as he makes his way there now, but not before saying to Buck, “Nice Rudolph’s.” 

Buck’s eyebrows wrinkle in confusion before he looks down and sees what Eddie is talking about. As soon as he does his cheeks heat up and he’s running upstairs to put some pants on. Eddie on his way to the bathroom, shoulders shaking finally lets out the laughter from inside. It comes out loud and harsh, his voice unused to it, but it’s not unpleasant. Not for Eddie, and not for Buck who listens to it with a fond, yet still a little embarrassed smile on his own features. He shakes his head, his heart beating wildly at the thought of Eddie staring at him down below.


	11. Who'll Stop The Rain

“I know, Shannon.” Eddie says into the phone, his knee bouncing up and down anxiously. He’s sitting in Buck’s kitchen, a cup of coffee in front of him, barely touched and a newspaper opened to the politics page. He’s wearing jeans and a green tee shirt. His hair is messy but concealed by the hat he wears. A basic toque, grey and bland. His facial hair scuffled as usual, but for Buck as he makes his way downstairs, he’s never looked better. As soon as Eddie sees that he’s up he gives him a small smile before going back to his phone conversation, his free hand on his leg tugging anxiously at the scratchy material of his jeans.

Buck tries not to stare as he makes his way past Eddie and to the coffee machine to get his own cup. He has work in an hour and usually he skips breakfast and picks something up. He’s a single guy who does know how to cook but what’s the point when it’s only breakfast? Or so he tells himself to justify those bacon and eggers that are so delicious. It’s not like he needs to be on a budget of any kind. He can get whatever he wants when he wants. Having a disposable income like that does that for you. It’s something Buck’s had a hard time accepting, but now that he has he takes full advantage, or so he used to. Ever since Eddie came to stay with him that’s changed.

Eddie works the nightshift at a warehouse and gets in the early morning when Buck is just waking up. As Eddie’s day ends, Buck’s starts, and because of that they don’t get to see each other much. Breakfast and dinner, and that’s about it unless it’s the weekend. So Buck’s started cooking breakfast in the morning. Nothing too crazy, mostly eggs, but Eddie doesn’t seem to mind. At first he was a little self-conscious about it, insisting that he doesn’t need to but Buck made it clear that he would have cooked for himself anyway, which isn’t entirely true since he would have gone out if Eddie wasn’t here but it works, and Eddie is here. Buck wouldn’t change that for all of the bacon and eggers in the world. Truth be told he’s been a little lonely since Abby left, even though it’s been almost a year, he really did love her.

“I’ll be there at seven.” Eddie says into the speaker, his shoulders hunched together. He called her Shannon, so that must be who he’s talking to. Buck knows who she is from Eddie, what little he could get out of him about her anyway. That she’s his ex-wife and mother of his son. His son who he only gets to see once a month which angered Buck, a kid deserves to have his dad around especially when their dad is as good and loving as Eddie is. So much so that he’s working full time plus part time now in order to get a nice place where there’s two bedrooms, wheelchair access because stairs are hard for some who needs crutches to walk, and who is sparing no expense to try and get better for him. Shannon should give him a break.

“Fried eggs, okay?” Buck asks after Eddie has hung up. Eddie who puts his phone on the table now lays his hands on his face, rubbing in earnest. Stress and exhaustion getting to him now more than ever. He’s usually pretty good at hiding it, but after getting off a twelve hour shift and hungry as hell, it’s right there for everyone to see. For Buck to see. It makes him feel something in his gut, something sad and gross, and he just wants to help. To ease Eddie’s burden, because he doesn’t deserve this shit. He just doesn’t.

“Yeah.” Eddie says softly, his hands coming back down to curl around the newspaper. He looks like he’s trying to go back to reading it, but it’s obvious at least to Buck that he’s failing miserably.

“Everything okay with Christopher?” Buck asks, and even he’s surprised by how much concern is in his own voice. He’s never met the kid, but he’s Eddie’s, and for him that’s enough to give more than a passing damn. He wouldn’t want anything to happen to him, and if there was anything he could do to help if there was, he would, in a heartbeat.

“Yeah, it’s just- Shannon is going away for a few days.” Eddie confides. “A work thing but Christopher can’t come.”

“So he stays with you?”

Eddie smiles bitterly at that. “I’m living on someone’s couch.”

Buck’s face becomes a little hurt, but it’s not a lie of any kind or meant to be harsh. It’s just a simple fact, and the implication of it is clear. Christopher can’t stay with his dad because his dad doesn’t have a place of his own. He can’t be there for him or spend more time with him, or just be a fucking dad because he fucked up. He’s living on someone else’s couch and his life is fucked. He’s fucked it up. He does everything wrong. Every decision is wrong. It’s what goes through Eddie’s head as he sits there and although Buck can’t read thoughts he feels the emotions coming from Eddie all the same.

“I’m sorry.” Buck says, unable to think of anything else.

Eddie looks up, smile more genuine. “Thanks Buck, but it’s not your fault. Somehow I always fail that kid.”

“No, no Eddie, fuck.” Buck says quickly. He puts the mug and coffee pot down, rushing over to Eddie with a fervour. A hand goes on his shoulder, squeezing tightly it forces Eddie to look up at him. Buck makes sure he is and that he’s listening before he says, “You’re trying. You love him. That’s more than my dad ever did. That’s more than most, okay? You’re a good person. You’re a good father. I see how hard you’re working and Shannon does too, that’s why she even brought it up. Because she would leave him with you if she could, okay? Okay?”

Eddie nods his head, not quite believing the words, but still believing that Buck believes them, and maybe that’s enough for now. To have someone believe in you. It’s a lot. “Okay.”

Buck nods and lets go of Eddie carefully, making his way back to the kitchen counter he asks, “Bacon or sausage?”

~

Eddie walks into the apartment with heavy footsteps. His shift ran over which was fine because he needs the money, but it was also not so fine because he was already starving when it was supposed to end. He knows that he missed breakfast with Buck before he’s even walked in the door and noticed the lack of noise. He locks the door behind him and makes his way into the place, his feet automatically taking him to the couch. He may be hungry but he’s more tired than anything else, and food can wait, but when he walks into the living room he doesn’t find the usual large grey couch that he’s called his bed for the past few weeks, instead he finds a brown one. Still large and comfortable looking but definitely not Buck’s couch.

“What the…” Eddie says to himself, eyebrows wrinkled in confusion. He turns then, away from the living room and makes his way to the kitchen. He was going to lay down and sleep forever but he’s took freaked out now. Buck never said anything about getting new furniture. Not last night or any time before that. Maybe Eddie’s so tired he walked into the wrong apartment? No, that’s not right, he has a key for Buck’s not anywhere else. Dios, he’s tired. He’s not even thinking straight anymore. Kitchen. Food. He can worry about this new couch later, except that…

A plate with toast, French toast is sitting on the table. It’s covered with cling wrap and a post it note is stuck on top of it. Eddie knows almost immediately that it’s Buck’s messy scrawl. He writes as though he is a Doctor writing a script, or something of the sort. Eddie remembers when he first saw something Buck wrote. He couldn’t help but tease the younger man, who blushed and got defensive about it. Eddie smiles softly at the memory as he walks over to the dish and note, and reads it.

_French toast so you don’t starve. Also the couch is a pull out so you can have a bed now and if Christopher wanted to come over he has somewhere to sleep._

  * _Buck_



For some reason Eddie’s heart flutters as warmth pools into his stomach. He stares at the note, rereading it more times than is necessary, but he doesn’t quite believe it at first. Buck bought a new couch for him, for him and Christopher. His son who he hasn’t even met yet. It sounds so strange and odd. He’s only known Buck a little over a month, two if you count Thanksgiving, but still. It’s odd and warm, and nice. He smiles unable to help out this gesture, this move makes him feel.

“Buck…” Eddie whispers softly, still in amazement.

“Where’s my phone?” A voice says as the door opens, revealing Buck. His eyes are panicked looking everywhere as his movements become jumpy. He’s searching the table by the door before he turns to go to the kitchen, his eyes looking up and landing on Eddie’s. He stalls and sees the note in hand making him smile sheepishly. His panic giving way to a bit of embarrassment and unsureness.

“Hey.” Buck says. “You’re home.”

“Yeah.” Eddie says, putting the note down and walking over to Buck. He touches his shoulder, his hand cupping his jaw and making him look at him, meeting his eyes. “You bought a couch for me and Christopher?”

Buck nods. “Yeah, you were upset about-”

Buck doesn’t get to finish because Eddie is kissing him. Lips soft and sure, and Buck responds in kind. Hands gripping the other, and pull each other close. Pulling each other into one another. Eddie holds on and-

~

“ONLY NINETEEN NINETY NINE!” A voice says loudly, making Eddie jump awake. His blanket falling half off of him as he sits up on the new couch. The TV in front of him is on and playing some infomercial. The pillow falling onto the floor as Eddie looks around at the darkening room. He reaches for his phone and sees the time as quarter after seven. It’s still today but- but- Eddie touches his lips where Buck’s just were, or where he thought they were. It was only a dream. A strange dream because he’s grateful. Grateful that Buck got him this couch for him and Christopher. Grateful.

He’s just grateful, because when he got home and saw the note he texted Buck a ‘thank you,’ and that was it. He went and laid down on the couch and fell asleep after eating the French toast. Buck never came back for his phone or keys, or wallet or any of it. None of that happened. There was no kiss. He was just- He’s grateful. Eddie can chalk it all up to that until he looks down, and sees and feels how hard he is. The taste of Buck, or what he thinks he tastes like still fresh in his mind. Still fresh on his lips.

He shakes his head quickly, rising from the couch and making his way to the bathroom where a cold shower waits, and if afterward he looks in the fridge for some of Buck’s beer, no one can blame him, can they? It’s not there anyway, Buck having not had any in there since the day he got here. Eddie ever really noticed it until not, but now it’s all he can think about. The lack of beer, the couch, and his heart burning with something that tastes too familiar. Thankfully he has work, and he doesn’t have time to contemplate going out and doing something stupid again.


	12. Up Around The Bend

“What’s all this?” Eddie asks, eyebrows raised as he walks into the apartment and finds various bags and boxes of items that look suspiciously like a lot of green and red. Christmas is only a week away, but Eddie hasn’t really been in the mood and it seemed like Buck hadn’t either. He hadn’t decorated or put up anything, let alone talked about it so walking in to see all this is a bit of a shock. Buck who is in the middle of it all stands up and gives Eddie a sheepish grin. “Buck?”

“I thought we could decorate.” Buck says. “Christopher’s coming over tomorrow and I don’t know it’s dumb.”

He rubs the back of his neck nervously making Eddie grin all the more as he walks further into the apartment, making sure the door is shut and locked behind him before he does so. His footsteps taking him to Buck who has a Santa Clause hat on and a sweater with a reindeer on it, almost matching his boxers that Eddie got a sneak peek of before, minus the red nose of course. It makes Eddie chuckle slightly though at the memory, and also at how embarrassed Buck was, not that he wasn’t too, but he was more touched because Buck let him stay. A stranger. Not anymore but it still leaves him with a warm feeling in his chest whenever he thinks about it.

“Where did you get all of this stuff from?” Eddie asks as he scrunches up his eyebrows and looks at all of the decorations from Santa Clause figurines to a blow up bear in an elf costume. It’s a lot but it doesn’t surprise Eddie, not with Buck’s personality. From what he’s seen of it anyway.

“Uh, some of it I had from Abby and others I went out and bought.” Buck says, his cheeks red as he scratches his head in a nervous tic. “I can put it back.”

“No.” Eddie says quickly as he shakes his head back and forth. “Christopher’s going to love it.”

Buck smiles wide and bright as he asks, “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Eddie confirms. “We always used to decorate the tree together, whenever we could.”

_Whenever I was actually there._

“You’re here now.” Buck says with a serious nod, almost like he can read his thoughts. “That’s what counts.”

~

“Hey, buddy.” Eddie says with a grin that’s happy, but also unsure. He’s seen him only a couple of weeks ago, and a month before that, but it still feels a little awkward and Eddie hates that. He hates that he doesn’t know what to say or do sometimes. He’s not a natural father or parent of any kind. He’s been Christopher’s father since the day he was born, but to be a dad is something entirely different, and his own wasn’t much help. He was a father, a good one, but he didn’t really know how to be a dad. Always cold and distant, the rare hugs, and words of warmth and encouragement he did give were stiff, uncomfortable. Eddie doesn’t want to be like that. He wants to be the parent Christopher deserves, because this kid really does deserve the world. He just wishes he was capable of giving it to him.

“Hi, dad.” Christopher says happily as he reaches out with his crutches. He’s always smiling and always happy. Eddie doesn’t know how he does it, and he wishes he could be more like him, he really does, but he’s not sure how. Kids learn from their parents, that’s how it’s supposed to be, not the other way around, and yet whenever he’s losing it he thinks of him. He thinks of how Christopher will smile at the situation in front of him and get through it without breaking a sweat. He’s stronger than Eddie ever will be. He must get that from his mom.

“I missed you.” Eddie says without much thought as he takes the hint and brings Christopher into a tight hug, kneeling down to reach his level. When he pulls away he knows it was the right move and the right words to say as Christopher lights up. Shannon who is behind him smiles too.

“Missed you, too.” Christopher says as Eddie stands.

“I’ll be back at five.” Shannon says to Eddie but also to Christopher as she gives him a warm smile. She waves at him and he waves back with one crutch in the air. She then gives Eddie a small smile before leaving. She’s met Buck already, had done before there was even talk of Christopher coming here, and she approved of the friendship. Eddie’s not sure how anyone could not approve of Buck. He’s so lighthearted and like a puppy. You can’t help but love him, which is just a saying, but it is true.

“There’s someone I want you to meet.” Eddie says to his son as Buck walks around the corner waving at them. “This is my friend Buck. Buck, my son, Christopher.”

Buck smiles wide, kneeling down to his level he holds out his hand which Christopher takes for a brief second before he’s back on his crutches. “Hi, Buck.”

“It’s very nice to meet you, Christopher.” Buck says, eyes happy as Christopher smiles. “So someone told me that you love Christmas.”

Christopher nods.

“Well, it just so happens that I have a tree and an apartment that needs decorating. You think you could help me with that?”

“Yeah!”

Eddie smiles wide, affectionately as he watches the interaction. Buck is so good with him. He’s a natural, and he’ll be an amazing dad one day. The kind of dad that would do anything to make their kids happy. The kind of dad Eddie always wanted to be, wished he was but never could be. Eddie watches them walk over to the already set up tree, but before they get there Buck turns and looks to Eddie saying, “Come on, Eddie, we’re decorating a Christmas tree.”

“Y- Yeah. Come on, dad!” Christopher eggs on.

Eddie shakes his head and walks over, joining the two of them. “How could I say no to you? Hm?”

He’s looking at Christopher when he says it, but his heart is beating faster at the inclination for it to be aimed at Buck too.

“Lights first?”

“Lights first!”

~

They decorate the tree, lights first, then the ordainments, and when it comes to the star on top, it’s Buck who gives Eddie a teasing grin as he steps forward to do it. He doesn’t have to say anything out loud about the height difference between them, even though it isn’t that much, his smile says it all. Eddie wants to say something but Buck never really did, so he lets it go, for now. Instead he watches as Buck places the final piece on top. It’s gold and shiny, and good. Buck steps back, a proud grin on his features as Eddie picks up the end of the light’s chord and looks to his son.

“Ready?” He asks.

Christopher nods and Buck looks between them a little confused. “Ready for what?” He asks.

“We- We always plug in the tree together.” Christopher tells him, and that fact for some reason makes Buck smiles even more. Christopher turns from him to his dad and looks up, an idea and thought clearly appearing on his features as he asks, “Can- Can Buck too?”

Eddie looks from Christopher to Buck and nods. “Of course he can.”

They all huddle together, Eddie’s hand on Christopher’s, and Buck’s on Eddie’s. He looks to Eddie and nods, telling him that he’s ready. Eddie can’t help but nod back as he counts down with, “Three- Two- One!”

They plug it in all together and watch as the large tree is lighted up beautifully. The lights are of all different colours, big and wide, and bright. It’s beautiful. Truly beautiful, Eddie thinks as he looks from Buck to his son, and to what they’ve created. He won’t see Christopher on Christmas, as per Shannon’s arrangement, but he knows that he will be thinking about this moment all that day. It’s the closest he’ll get to a Christmas with his son this year, and although it saddens him, Buck did say he’ll be here. Eddie asked about his family, but Buck brushed him off, and Eddie didn’t want to push.

“Wow.” Buck says. “I think we’ve earned some Christmas cookies.”

“We have Christmas cookies?” Eddie asks looking to Buck in confusion.

Buck ducks his head meekly and admits, “I baked some when last night but I hid them for today.”

“Hid them from me or from yourself?” Eddie asks, a light teasing in his tone. Buck loves his junk food and sweets.

“Do you want Christmas cookies or not?”

Before Eddie can answer Christopher does for them both with an excited, “Yes!”

~

It’s quarter to six and Christopher just got picked up by Shannon. He was full of cookies and milk, and Eddie knows that he’s going to hear about it from Shannon the next time they see each other. She’ll say he ruined his appetite for dinner, and maybe he did but the cookies were damn good, and he doesn’t get to see his son much. He doesn’t even get to spend Christmas with him, so cookies and milk for dinner seemed like a way to maybe make it up to him, and to himself.

“Thank you for today.” Eddie says, eyes on Buck as he picks up some spare tinsel that shed onto the floor.

Buck who is putting away the dishes from their cookie snack looks up, grin etched into his features as he replies with, “No, thank you. It was fun. You have a great kid.”

“I know.” Eddie agrees, but the words come out almost sad, and it makes Buck pause.

“Why don’t we watch a movie?” Buck suggests, and for Eddie that sounds pretty great. He doesn’t want to be alone right now, not after how full and happy he felt moments ago. Now with his son gone, it’s leaving him, and he doesn’t want it to. It can get addicting, being this happy, it really can.

“Sure.” Eddie nods. He walks over and drops the tinsel pieces into the garbage before making his way to the living room, Buck following after him. They make their way to the new couch that folds out and sits beside each other. They leave a good little distance between them but as the movie is put on, and as they grow more tired, they find themselves getting closer and closer until Buck has his head on Eddie’s shoulder and is fast asleep, leaving Eddie staring at him in wonder and in fear.

“Buck?” Eddie asks in a quiet whisper, but Buck doesn’t budge. He stays there fast asleep, and Eddie is not staring at his lips, at his eyes, and at everything. He’s not. He’s-

He feels his hands shake as the tears rise up within. They don’t fall, they usually don’t anyway, but they’re there as Eddie shuts his eyes tightly trying not to think about the last time someone was this close to him. The time where it felt like the end of the world. As though they were on a cliff and they could fall off at any time. How every moment mattered and how giving in didn’t seem so bad when the next day could most certainly be your last. He tries not to think about it, but his name appears in Eddie’s head like a mantra.

_James._

_James._

_James._

“Buck.”


	13. Run Through The Jungle

_“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” James says with a smile that could break hearts. He stands on the hill above it all with Eddie beside him. There’s a drink in Eddie’s hand but he doesn’t offer it or even a sip to James. He knows better. He knows that this isn’t real. This is him in a drunken state on the edge of a cliff trying to come down despite the impossibility of it all. He doesn’t look down, instead he looks ahead. He looks to the stars and the sky, and the moon half faded. He brings the whiskey to his lips and closes his eyes as it burns down his throat. When he opens his eyes, James is still there, looking beyond to where Eddie is looking._

_“Are you going to do it?” James says, his words bold and full of brass, just like him. Despite his smaller stature, his lanky body, and seemingly noodle like arms, he always puffed his chest up. He always told it like it was. It earned him respect from the others, even if it did annoy them from time to time, James didn’t care. He didn’t care one bit. Eddie admired that. He was drawn to it, and maybe it’s the same with Buck, he doesn’t know. He’s not sure. “Are you going to jump?”_

_Eddie looks now, away from the endless sky and to James, to his green eyes and crooked smile. He reaches out but he doesn’t touch him, pulling away instead and saying, “It is.”_

_James tilts his head, questioningly._

_“The view.” Eddie explains, and suddenly his eyes are back onto it, but his throat is dry and the drink doesn’t do much right now to quench it. He means what he says, the view is beautiful, but it’s not the endless sky, the stars, the moon, or even the grass far down below, instead he speaks of James’ eyes. His smile. That’s what is beautiful. He remembers how he looked as Eddie came in him. He felt awful about it afterward, not stopping to pull out but he’d only been with Shannon, and James well..._

_“It’s okay to move on. We all do it.” James cuts in, his words harsh but not untrue. “My sister did. She has a family and she got through me dying. You can, too.”_

_“But you didn’t just die, James,” Eddie says carefully, slowly as his eyes find James’ again, “I killed you.”_

_He throws the empty bottle down the mountain’s edge, watching as it bounces once, and breaks next._

~

Eddie wakes up, gasping for breath as the panic of the memory and moment overwhelm him. He clutches onto anything he can find, blankets and pillows as his heart hammers like a gong in his chest. His eyes search the darkness for something familiar, for something to tell him what is real and what is not. Where he is and what his reality is, because him, everything in him is back there at the edge. At the cliff. He can feel is all so vividly. He’s trapped, stuck, and lost all in one. He tries to reach for James, but he is gone and only darkness remains.

He clutches something to his chest, but it does nothing. He tries to get away but then he’s falling onto a hard surface and there is pointy things in his back, and yet he still keeps trying to get away. To get away from James, or the alcohol still seemingly burning on his lips, he doesn’t know. Maybe even it’s the truth, either way he finds himself against a wall, knees to his chest and hands wrapped around him, clutching to his chest.

**_Bang. Bang. Bang._ **

_“James, James!”_

Eddie puts his hands to his ears and tries to block it out as the banging continues. It pounds in his skull and he can’t move, he can’t breathe, he can’t fucking think. He kicks his feet as the sound reverberates in his skull. He doesn’t want this. He doesn’t need this- _James’ eyes are green and lifeless, staring up at him. Hands on his own gun, and- and- his tags. He takes his tags because has to get out of there. His team is there and they force him away. They have to leave. He leaves him- he-_

“Eddie!?” A voice yells in fear and frustration as hands reach for him, clutching on his own, trying to pull away from his head but Eddie won’t allow it and they soon stop. “Eddie, Jesus! I’m calling 9-1-1. Those shots sounded close.”

There’s panic in the other’s voice and some of it is making sense, but mostly it’s not. Mostly Eddie is trapped. He- _needs his gun. Where is his gun? The gun that just killed him. The gun he used to just kill him-_

“It’s okay, Eddie, we’re fine. We’re fine- We’re good. The police are on their way. We’ll be fine.” Buck chants it over and over, hand on Eddie’s arm, sure and steady, grounding. He tries to hold onto them. He tries. He tries. He tries so fucking hard.

~

“Alright, thanks.” Buck says to the officer with a nod before shutting the door, the two uniforms walking away and leaving them alone at last. Buck takes a deep breath and walks over to where Eddie sits shakily, a cup of tea in hand. As much as Buck drinks coffee in the morning, he loves his tea. He loves all different kinds of flavours and everyone knows it. His friends and his family, they always get him at least one fancy set for birthdays or holidays, its something Eddie learned quite quickly since he started living here. He found the whole cupboard dedicated to his tea the first week he was here. For himself he’s not a big fan, always a coffee guy, but for right now coffee is the last thing he needs.

“How are you doing?” Buck asks, eyes tired and concerned. “Sorry, dumb question.”

Buck pulls out a chair across from Buck and sits down, Eddie watching him, suddenly feeling cold as he does so. His left side aching to have Buck sit close next to him, like when they watch movies and share popcorn. He wants him here, his warmth filling him, and keeping him with light. Alive. Full.

Buck yawns, causing Eddie to feel guilty and uncertain as he tells him, “You should get some more sleep.”

“Could you sleep after that?” Buck asks, an open-ended question. It’s pretty obvious that Eddie won’t be sleeping anytime soon. He might not ever sleep again. “I really thought my place was safe.”

“Guns are everywhere.” Eddie says quickly, eyes lost somewhere.

Buck nods. “Maybe we should watch something?”

Feeling small and trusting Buck more than he thought he could trust anyone, Eddie half whispers, “You could sleep with me?”

Buck’s ears go red and sudden he’s more alert. “What?”

“I meant we could share a bed, because- because of what happened.” Eddie’s eyes become crossed but he doesn’t take it back, that’s been who he is. He says it, he means it, and besides he’s too damn exhausted to care. “You still have to work tomorrow.”

Buck nods slowly, a half awkward smile on his features as he agrees.

~

**_Bang._ **

Eddie sits up with a start, breathing quickening as a feminine voice quickly apologizes saying, “Sorry! Sorry, I didn’t know-”

A warm hand is on his lap, falling from his stomach as Eddie tries to remember where he is and who he is. The banging still in his skull, not letting up once, even as the hand stills, wakening up it’s host. Buck sits there, eyes on Eddie’s hands on his jaw and neck, coaching him through his panic. Both are aware of the person behind them, witnessing all of this but Buck’s main priority is Eddie and Eddie is lost in the banging, in the gunfire, and he can’t do it- he-

“Eddie? Eddie, hey, it’s Buck. We’re at our place, remember? You’re fine. You’re good.” Buck says soothingly, one of his hands finding Eddie’s and holding it in a loose grip. It takes a while but eventually Eddie is more or less focused. The panic almost gone as he takes in Buck, and then in turn his sister, Maddie who stands in awe.

“I need the bathroom.” Eddie says quickly as he stands, making sure to give Maddie a nod, and a, “Hello.”

Once he’s out of eye and ear shot Buck’s eyes turn angry onto his sister as he asks, “Maddie what are you doing?”

“Don’t be angry with me.” Maddie defends. “I woke up finding out there was a shooting here and you weren’t answering your phone.”

“But did you really have to bang the door!?” Buck says, his concern and fear overwhelming as Maddie’s eyebrows turn down.

“I’m sorry. I was worried. Are you okay?”

Eddie’s in the bathroom but he only hears part of their conversation, choosing to ignore the rest as he goes to the bathroom sink. He turns the tap on to freezing and fills his hands with water. He splashes it onto his face and feels the water like ice. He’s here. He’s real. His eyes find his own in the mirror and he watches. He looks. He sees.

**_Bang._ **

_“’…Move on…’”_

He flinches but he doesn’t looks away, he continues to stare, the scar across his forehead, the one no one talks about shines through.

He should have died, but he didn’t, and maybe that wasn’t only for Christopher. Maybe that was for him, too. Maybe, just maybe he has to live this life, even if he doesn’t feel like he deserves it.

Just maybe he can…

Move on.

Whatever the hell that means.


	14. Lookin' Out My Back Door

“Are you okay?” Bobby asks gently but firmly, in his caring but I’m the boss way. Eddie smiles slightly at it, the mug of tea in hand shifting slightly from hand to hand on the surface of the table as his eyes wander. He should be looking at Bobby and only Bobby, they haven’t sat down like this in a while, their schedules so different now, especially when Eddie’s been working overtime on top of the nights at his job at the warehouse, but he finds himself unable to. He can’t sit still for the life of him. He’s on edge, he’s jumpy, and even cutting back on the coffee hasn’t helped. One of the last things he wanted to do, but Buck convinced him and he’s useless to Christopher like this. Yet, it hasn’t helped, and Bobby asking him everyone’s favourite question lately isn’t helping.

“Everyone keeps asking me that.” Eddie says with a chuckle that lacks any humour. He could have picked a million responses, the usual ‘I’m fine,’ the shake of his head or, ‘I’m good.’ The standard replies he’s been giving out like candy at this question, but with Bobby it’s different. He’s his sponsor, his mentor, and he’s there for him. If he lies that’s like going backwards and he doesn’t want to do that, not anymore. He wants to go forward, he wants to be at ease, and he wants to move on. To live this fucking life already, because his dad was right. We all are dealt terrible cards but we get through, we keep going because that’s what you do. It’s the cowards who can’t, or so that’s what his pops would say. What he used to say to him.

“There was a shooting down the hall. It’s a fair question.” Bobby points out and Eddie shrugs.

“Shannon doesn’t want to bring Christopher here anymore. She’s too afraid of something else like that happening, and I know she’s looking for our son, but-” Eddie shakes his head and looks down. “I don’t know I feel like she’s doing it on purpose sometimes, but she’s got every right to make those decisions.”

“You’re his parent, too.” Bobby says calmly.

“I’ve failed him over and over.” Eddie responds before taking a sip of the tea that he honestly can’t stand, but it’s better than nothing he supposes. “Tell me, is that what a dad does?”

“We all make mistakes.”

Bobby’s voice is sadder, grave, and it makes Eddie still, eyes on Bobby now. Bobby is looking down at his joined hands on the table, lost somewhere only he can see. It makes Eddie feel all kinds of guilt, because how can he sit here and complain when Bobby’s been through far worse. Done worse, almost. His deed was an accident. Eddie’s was anything but. But he still has his kid and his wife- ex-wife is still here. That’s a lot more than Bobby got. Eddie tries to backtrack but no words seem right in this moment so he chooses instead to stay silent, one hand finding Bobby’s shoulder and squeezing in comfort.

“Something else is on your mind though?” Bobby asks after a few moments. He’s good at reading people, and it was Eddie who called him this morning. They’re at Buck’s apartment, alone, as Buck went out to shop with Maddie which is probably as fun as it sounds but Buck’s a good brother. A good person. He’d put up a lot of shit for the people he cares about, and loves. Eddie admires that in him. Appreciates it. Makes him sad too, though, he wants Buck to do what he wants too, not just what others want or need. He’s still trying to figure out a way to make that happen for him.

Eddie nods finally and looks away, not down or up, but away. His words are careful, sad, “I want to move on.”

Bobby’s eyebrows raise in surprise. “What did you say?”

“I want to move on like you did. I should be stronger than this. I should let things go. I should move on.”

Bobby shakes his head slowly. “Eddie, wanting to get better is really good to hear, but you are strong, and it takes time. Everything takes time. You have to give yourself time.”

“I’m weak, Bobby.” Eddie says suddenly more emotional than he thought he would be. Unexpected tears and sob tear at his heart. “I- I- Gunshots! I’m a solider. What if Christopher was here? I can’t protect him? Or Buck, or myself? What does that make me?”

There are other things, things Eddie can’t speak of out loud but they’re there too, just below the surface, and maybe it’s more about them that he feels the emotion so great bubbling up and through. He can feel it in his veins, and in his bones. He’ll never be rid of James. Of what he means to him, who he was, and how much he did love him. Despite how much he tries to deny it, he did love him. He loved him so damn much. And he didn’t even realize it until after he killed him. What if there was something more he could have done? What if- What if-

Bobby’s there, bringing him close, and reminding him that he’s not alone, not anymore.

~

“Damn, something smells good.” Buck says with a smile as he closes the door behind him and walks further into his and Eddie’s apartment. His shoulders are sore and his back is on fire from all of the bags he had to carry for Maddie, but seeing Eddie smiling there at him in an apron no less, over the stove chases it all away. He’s over the stove and obviously cooking something delicious, something Buck doesn’t recognize. He can’t help but say, “Hey, honey, I’m home.”

Eddie chuckles and rolls his eyes before turning back to the pot he’s stirring. He checks it a few times before deciding it’s ready and leaning over to turn of the burner. He grips the handle tightly and picks it up, placing it on the unheated burner. His hand goes for the two stack bowls nearby and quickly fills one up after the other. He places a spoon in each, big spoons because Buck has this think about teaspoons being too small for eating, and brings them over to the table where Buck sits waiting.

“What is it?” Buck asks as he stirs it, trying to cool it down a little.

“Dinner.” Eddie says with a sarcastic grin. Two can play this game.

“Ha, ha.” Buck says with a roll of his eyes. “Why did you cook anyway? I didn’t know you knew how.”

“I don’t.” Eddie admits, flushing slightly. “I called my abuela.”

Buck pauses looking up in awe and curiosity, with a little concern as he asks, “You called her?”

Eddie nods but doesn’t offer up any more information, and Buck doesn’t push. Buck knows that Eddie hasn’t talked to any of his family since he got kicked out of his place. Not only by Shannon but his parents as well. They came over and it was supposed to be an intervention but it turned ugly very fast. That’s all Eddie told him, it’s all he could tell Buck, but it was enough for Buck to get the picture. That happened almost two years ago. Now though, he’s doing better and he called his abuela. That’s damn fine progress, and yet Buck is still worried and he can’t help but reach out, his warm hand finding Eddie’s arm.

Eddie looks up as Buck squeezes and asks, “Are you okay?”

And for once Eddie isn’t angry or upset by this never ending question, because Buck cares and Eddie care for him too. It’s not an empty question or empty concern, it’s love… Of a friend. Of family. It leaves a warm feeling settling in Eddie’s stomach as he places his own hand over Buck’s that’s on his arm. He squeezes and nods, “Yeah.”

“Good.” Buck smiles wide and goofy, and lovely. “Cause I have something to show you.”

Eddie looks at him, confused. “What?”

“I’ll show you after we eat.”

Buck’s eyes are dancing with excitement, almost like a puppy, and it makes Eddie feel happy too, excited even, not just for what Buck is going to show him, but for the days to come. For time, for healing, for moving on, and- and maybe being really okay one day. To live his life like he should.

He picks up his spoon and dips it into the stew, Buck doing the same.


	15. Long As I Can See The Light

Eddie’s nervous to put it mildly. His leg bounces slightly and his hands move from his lap to the arm rest back to his lap. He’s sitting right next to Buck who is driving to this supposed surprise, but hasn’t said a word since they left the apartment. That’s what really makes Eddie nervous, it’s because Buck’s nervous. He obviously is hiding something, obvious it is a surprise, but it must be big to have to drive to a new location. Eddie was- is skeptical but Buck assured him that it wasn’t anything too crazy, but for Buck crazy is relative. He always goes overboard, like a kid in a candy store, or someone who has just won the lottery. Not knowing how to really spend his money or what moderation even is. It worries Eddie, makes him want to be there for Buck, and protect him from doing anything too stupid.

But this surprise, it’s anyone’s guess, and that worries Eddie even more. Buck was just with his sister, with Maddie, and if he did get something she would have had to see. She would have had to be there, and although Eddie doesn’t know her personally very well Buck talks about her a lot, and she comes over a lot. He knows her. She’s sensible. She would stop Buck from going too far. Eddie doesn’t need to worry, and yet he does. He feels like Buck is his to worry about. He’s his friend though and yet it’s more than that. Eddie can’t really put a finger on it, or on a word, the only that comes close that feels right is, ‘family.’ Because that’s what Buck is. He’s family, even though it’s really only been a few months really.

“Buck you- you don’t need to get me anything.” Eddie says carefully. “You already got me a pretty awesome Christmas gift.”

Buck smiles at that as he remembers the MMA tickets he scored from Allen in the other unit. It was expensive but the seats were pretty good, and the look of happiness and excitement on Eddie’s face was everything. They went together and although people were drinking, they didn’t, Eddie didn’t, and he didn’t even seem unperturbed by that. He just seemed happy. At ease, or at ease as you can be at a match like that where blood and bodies were flying. Buck was worried the violence would trigger something for Eddie but he was fine. He was more than fine.

“It’s not exactly a gift.” Buck relents. “But it is something for you, for Christopher, and for me. If you- Just wait and see.”

Eddie’s eyes linger on Buck’s, even when he turns them back to the road for safety measure as he ponders Buck’s words. For him, Christopher, and Buck? What could that possibly be? He doesn’t know. He has no clue in fact but Buck seems excited, and Eddie trusts him. He doesn’t know when it happened but he trusts him so he sits back and waits it out, but he doesn’t have to wait long because pretty soon they’re there. Buck’s stopping the car and Eddie’s left wondering as he stares at the condos lined up down the street.

“Buck?” Eddie asks.

Buck turns to him with an anxious half crooked grin. “Come on.” He says as he gets out, leaving Eddie no choice but to follow. Where Buck’s footsteps are hurried and excited, Eddie’s are slow and weary. He’s starting to get a picture, an idea of what all of this means, but he’s not one hundred percent certain just yet. It’s a condo, small like the others but it’s more of a home than any apartment building. There’s even a little yard out front where someone could plant flowers or a garden.

“Age before beauty.” Buck says, his teasing grin back as he holds open the door for Eddie who glares with no real heat behind it. He does go first though, walking into the empty living room as Buck shuts the door behind them, walking in as well. He stands beside Eddie as Eddie looks from the wooden clean floors to the small kitchen just beyond. He doesn’t realize what he’s doing at first, his feet having a mind of their own as he makes his way into the kitchen. He thought it would be small but it’s a decent size, and a nice space for a table and four chairs. The cupboards are clean, new, and match the obvious new floor.

“Buck?” Eddie asks, eyes wide as he turns to Buck who grins. There’s a nervousness to it but overall he looks somewhat proud.

“Come on, I’ll show you the bedrooms.” Buck says, with a nod of his head back toward the living room. There’s three doors that Eddie vaguely noticed but didn’t take much stock of until now when Buck opens each one, revealing a nice bathroom, a larger bedroom, and then another bedroom. The same wooden floor is in the larger bedroom, clean ceramic tiles in the bathroom, and a brown carpet in the smaller room. The both have decent size closets, but the larger room has a window that’s large, shining sun in and warming the room completely. Eddie stands under it and closes his eyes, his hands outstretched as it all comes jumping in, what this all means.

He turns sharply then, eyes open as his words become slightly accusatory, “I can’t afford this, Buck.”

Buck nods like he was expecting this. “You can’t, but we can.”

Eddie’s eyebrows raises slightly. “What? You want to live with me still, even after all that shit?”

_All my shit._

“We work well together don’t we?” Buck says, unsure now in his role in Eddie’s life. “And Christopher too, when he comes to stay with you. I mean- I know it’s only two bedrooms, but I can sleep on the couch when he comes or- or-”

Buck doesn’t get to finish because Eddie is already bringing him close, a tight hug that feels awkward and disoriented. They’ve never done this, not normally, and not without some sort of trauma resurfacing. They don’t do this unless they need it. They don’t- never when they want it, and maybe that’s Eddie’s fault. Maybe he shouldn’t be so closed off, but it’s all he knows, but this- this place, and Buck? How can he not hug him?

Eddie’s arms hold Buck tightly, his cheek rested slightly on the side of Buck’s head as Buck takes a moment to understand what’s happening, when he does he tentatively hugs back. Tentative at first, but stronger next, and pretty soon his face is tucked into the curve of Eddie’s neck where his shoulder meets. He breathes him in and holds on, everything fitting together and feeling like, for once he belongs. For once this is home. Eddie’s never felt like this before either. He’s never felt so complete. So right.

“It’s perfect.” Eddie tells him honestly. “Thank you, Evan.”

Buck hides his smile and red cheeks in the embrace. He doesn’t plan on letting for a long time yet, and honestly, Eddie feels the same.


	16. I Heard It Through The Grapevine

“Jerry Springer again?” Buck asks as casually as he can, his own plate of pizza in hand as he sits down on the couch that was once Eddie’s bed, and still will be when Christopher is here, but for now it’s just a couch. They’re eating pizza, a sort of tradition at the 118 Eddie’s learned. Every time someone moves to a new place, there’s pizza, always, but it’s nice. The other’s already left and they already ate, but Buck is always hungry, and Eddie, well the pizza is damn good. He hasn’t ordered out in a long time. He wouldn’t let himself, not on his budget, but this time it was a gift from Bobby no less. He seemed oddly happy for them, more so than how much a friend should be for his two friends moving in together, but it is a fresh start. For them both. Eddie takes another bite.

“I can change it.” Eddie says with a chuckle as he reaches for the remote, but Buck’s hand is already over his, stopping him with a start from grasping his hands around the object. Eddie feels a shock go through him followed by warmth as he looks to Buck who smiles a little sheepishly.

“You can leave it.” Buck says. “I don’t mind a little chaos every now and again.”

Eddie shakes his head at that. Jerry Springer is chaos and a disaster, but sometimes you need that. Sometimes you need mindless entertainment to clear you of all the serious stuff. The stuff that weighs him through the floor to the bottomless pit below, fire and flames licking at his feet. Jerry Springer is loud and obnoxious, and it’s exactly what Eddie needs. His life is too quiet, to boring, which is crazy. He and anyone else would think that he’s had enough excitement to last a lifetime, but sometimes he misses it. Taking orders and doing something more, something noble and good. As lame as it sounds, not that he did much good in the end.

“Oh, I kind of have a little big favour to ask.” Buck says, eyes drawn together in apprehension.

Eddie smiles slightly. “What is it?”

“My jeep needs a new tire. I’m supposed to drop it off at Auto Repair on 8th tomorrow but my shifts starting earlier. Is there any way that you could…?”

Eddie turns to him with a grin. “Yeah. I’ll drop you off at work and take it later.”

“Thanks, Eddie.” Buck’s grin is wide, eyes stuck on Eddie’s, hand itching to move, to do something more, but before any thoughts- anything else can come through a voice on the screen, Jerry Springer’s voice is speaking. Startling Buck and making him freeze as he looks to the television now, lost somewhere. Lost like Eddie is so often.

“ _Turns out, Jerry, she was a sex worker! And she didn’t even tell me!_ ” The man says in anger and frustration. The girl in question comes out soon after, as tall as can be, and mouth set in a hard line, even as the crowd boos her. Buck watches her, and Eddie watches Buck watch her until he can’t anymore. Until he’s reaching out and trying to snap Buck out of it, but he should have known better because Buck is flinching away. He stands, fear flashing in his features before it’s gone and he’s smiling like nothing’s happened, but it has, it did.

“Buck, you good?” Eddie asks, and it’s a dumb question. It’s not the right one by a long shot but Eddie doesn’t get to remedy it or the situation, Buck is already walking to his room with a half-baked excuse thrown over his shoulder about being tired and needing rest. Eddie doesn’t stop him or say anything more. Buck needs to be alone. He needs space. If anyone can understand that, it’s Eddie, and yet, despite that knowledge his heart tugs and pulls. Aches. He wants to be near him, to make him smile, to help, and to heal him from whatever it is that plagues him. But he can’t. He won’t.

Not unless he wants him too.

~

Eddie and Buck get ready in the morning with methodical precision. Eddie’s been up most of the night, his schedule for work making it so but he has the night off and so he’s left to his own devices. He thought he’d have more time to spend with Buck, but Buk needed time. In the morning he doesn’t mention what happened, not as they eat breakfast or even on the way to the firehouse. Instead he stays eerily silent and Eddie just wants to reach out to him, physically and mentally. Emotionally even. He wants to help. He needs to, but he doesn’t even know what’s wrong.

“Buck?” Eddie asks when he puts the jeep in park.

Buck swallows, obviously nervous or afraid for some reason, but he’s quick to put a smile on and say, “I’m good, Eddie. I’m sorry for last night, but I’m good.”

Eddie wants to call bullshit, but he can’t do that, not when Buck’s been so patient with him. So instead he nods and says, “Okay. Call me if you need me, okay Buck?”

Buck’s next smile is appreciative, fond even. “Thanks, Eddie. See you later at home.”

Then he’s gone, and Eddie is making his way to Auto Repair, head still in the clouds, but heart more down to earth. In fact his heart is somewhere else. He’s pretty sure he left it with Buck because when the guy at the desk starts flirting with him, Eddie is clueless. It’s not until the guy says, “Here’s my personal number. Call me anytime.” Still on auto piolet, but less so now, Eddie gives the guy a strange look before putting the number in his pocket without much thought. The jeep will be ready tomorrow.

~

“I just think it’s important that we spend more time together.” Shannon explains as they sit down at the coffee table of the house that was once his. Christopher is not too far away, on the floor playing with Legos and Eddie would be right there with him if not for Shannon’s insistence on having a serious conversation, not that Eddie’s against it but he’s always scared of what Shannon is going to say next. She holds all the cards, they all know that, even Buck who feels like it’s unfair. He’s expressed that more than once, but Eddie knows it is fair, after what he’s done. It’s more than fair. “All of us.”

“As a family?” Eddie says, and it’s more of a statement but it is a question too.

Shannon nods. “Exactly.”

“I’m not against that, Shan.”

“Good.” Shannon says, obviously relieved. “He needs to know that he still has us both.”

“You don’t think he does?” Eddie can’t help but ask, afraid now as his eyes wander to his pride and joy, literally, all sarcasm aside.

“Of course he does it’s just- it’s been a rough year and some.”

Eddie nods but doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t want to. He doesn’t want to have conversation, he just wants to spend time with his son which is why he makes a move to go toward him, but Shannon’s hand in on his arm suddenly, stopping him. Her eyes turn to his, serious and urging. Eddie understands at once that this isn’t the only thing she needs to say, there is more, and with Shannon there always is. He love- Loved that about her, once upon a time.

“What is it?” Eddie asks, needing to get this over with now. He hasn’t seen Christopher in over a month. Not his decision but he can’t really argue with it, not after what happened. He wasn’t the only shaken up by it.

“Look, Eddie, I don’t want to get involved with your relationships. It’s none of my business.” She says carefully.

Eddie’s face hardens at her words. His own harsher than he expected saying, “It’s not.”

She tilts her head but doesn’t relent. “But I saw Buck with someone else the other day. I don’t know what’s going on between you both but-”

Eddie laughs suddenly, hard and unforgiving but for his part he does try to make it convincing. “We’re just friends, Shan.”

She doesn’t look convinced but she does let it go, but not without getting the last word in. “He was at that old rocker’s bar on 55th Ave last night. Just so you know.”

~

He doesn’t want to, but he can’t help it. Shannon’s words ring in his head over and over, and he should be happy. He should be happy for Buck, for finding someone and moving on from Abby. For getting his life together and getting out there. Being happy, but he can’t help it. He goes to the bar when Buck says he’s going out with Chimney and Hen. He follows close behind like some sort of stalker, and stays in the shadows of the bar Shannon told him about. He watches and waits, smoking cigarettes he forgot he had stuffed in the bottom of pockets. He waits and waits, each time the door opens his heart banging too. He feels better though with every door opening, because that means Buck’s not here, he’s not, he’s not-

He’s kissing him, mouth open and taking the guy in like a pro. Eddie feels his heart squeeze and shudder, and before he even knows it tears are coming and he can’t fucking breathe. He watches them unable to look away as he’s pulled apart from head to toe. Why!? Why didn’t he tell him? Why…? Why can’t he- Dios, it hurts when it shouldn’t because Buck is just his friend except for the fact that he always wants to be close to him, to hold him, to feel him. He- He fucking-

He likes him.

He likes his best friend in a way that he shouldn’t.

Maybe he even fucking- Dios help him, loves him.

Eddie turns away, head in hands. He’s going to be sick.

~

He feels like he’s collapsing on himself and nothing can hold him up. Not anymore. All Eddie knows is the physical. It’s what he grew up with, hugs, and slaps, and beatings, and kisses. He knows love through touch, and hurt through pain and through blood. He knows it through what he can feel, physically. He needs to be held up- he needs something, and he doesn’t want anyone or anything but Buck, but Buck is surrounded by another. He’s found a guy. He’s found someone.

Eddie angrily takes off his jacket as he walks into the night, to the bus stop, but something comes flying out. A slip of paper, and a number. The mechanic. The one who was flirting, the one Edie wasn’t paying attention too, not really. But here it is in black and white. His number. Opportunity. He shouldn’t, but Buck- But-

A mechanic’s got to have a car right? Because he could really use a ride.

He doesn’t think about it, he just does it, dialling the number, and waiting- waiting- waiting-

“Fucking kiss me.” Eddie says when he comes, and the mechanic, Dios he doesn’t even know his name, does, but every touch is a lingering one from someone else.

Every pleasure comes from the thought of another.


	17. Have You Ever Seen The Rain?

Eddie wakes up on the side of the road, sore and clearly hungover, but it’s not the normal hungover. There’s something else there, lingering with the effects of the alcohol he drank. He doesn’t know what it is or was, but he can feel his head woozy and dizzy. He doesn’t know where he is and he doesn’t remember much, but the mechanic, Aaron was there. He took him in his truck and they left. Eddie wanted to get as far away from the bar as possible and he did. Aaron did. He gave him something. Something to make him feel better and a drink that Eddie didn’t want at first but soon gave into, after that just nothing. A blank picture.

He feels shame, and guilt, and disgust with himself. This isn’t him. He would never do something like this and yet he did. He’s capable. He did it. He had sex with a stranger and got out of his mind on alcohol, which isn’t so surprising but the extra whatever is. The sex is. With a guy no less, with a guy that wasn’t Buck. That thought alone road rails him, and makes him stop, pause, and then he’s getting sick. He feels himself lunge over a nearby rail as vomit escapes him. The rail digs into his stomach making the disgusting acid like mixture come out all the more. When he’s done he wipes his mouth with his hand and looks around. Where is he? He doesn’t know.

He reaches for his phone and it’s there, but when he tries to turn it on it won’t budge. It’s completely dead. His battery gone and his wallet is nowhere to be found either. He feels like crying. Punching. Screaming. Ending it all. But he doesn’t, because that’s a coward’s way out, and whatever happened he made his choices. He has to stand by them. That’s what a man does. He has to keep moving forward. Buck is his best friend and that’s all it is. He won’t let the pain in his chest ignite even more. He’ll dampen the flames. He’ll be normal.

He needs to find a payphone.

~

Somehow he makes it home. He doesn’t find a payphone but he does find a bus stop and even though his wallet is gone, his monthly bus pass is not. Probably because he was in such a rush when he stopped near the bar that he shoved it down in his pocket rather than his wallet and made his way there as fast as his legs could carry him. The only good thing to come from all of this, the silver lining, but when he opens the door to their home, to him and Buck’s what he finds are four anxious faces looking back at him. Shannon is here, fucking Shannon, Bobby, Maddie, and Buck.

“Where the hell have you been?” Shannon says as she steps forward, hands on her hips. She looks like she wants to say more, but it’s Buck who does that for her.

“What the hell, Eddie? I tried calling you a hundred times! You just disappeared, you can’t do that!” Buck yells, hands in the air, afraid, concerned, and unbelievably angry. Eddie almost feels guilty, almost, but then he remembers last night. He remembers Buck’s lips on the strangers, kissing and gasping for more. He remembers the pain, the agony, and the confusion. The guilt the hate, the tearing apart- Screw Buck. Buck can do whatever he wants, so he can too. It’s that simple really. He didn’t need to get everyone else involved.

“I was out.” Eddie says simply. “My phone died.”

“All night?” Buck questions, not quite believing him as his eyes grow more concerned as he looks at Eddie with narrowing eyes. “Where’d you get that bruise?”

Bruise. That must be why the side of his head is so sore.

“I fell.” He lies, but it’s not really a lie because he doesn’t remember. “You didn’t have to call everyone.”

“We were worried.” Bobby says quickly. “You were out all night we thought…”

That he fell off the wagon. Well, they wouldn’t be wrong, but they don’t need to know that.

“I’m good.” Eddie says firmly. “I’m going to take a shower, unless there’s something you needed, Shannon.”

Everyone’s attention turns to her as she shakes her head. “No, but, Eddie I was worried, and what if something happened with Christopher?”

Eddie nods, heavy with guilt. “I know I’m sorry. He’s okay though?”

“Yeah, he’s with Alex.”

Eddie chooses to ignore that fact as they share a couple more words before Shannon makes her way out. Maddie is close behind her, then Bobby who pulls him aside and makes sure he’s good, but then he’s gone too. It’s only him and Buck next. Buck who looks at him with eyes that are heavy, and arms that want to reach out, but Buck is reaching for someone else now. He’s with someone else now. Whatever Eddie thought, if- it’s- There is nothing anymore now between them but friendship, but roommates. Strictly, because Eddie can’t handle any more than that not after what he saw. He’s drawing the line.

Buck reaches for him and Eddie side steps away.

“Eddie.” Buck says and it’s more broken and hurt than either thought it would be.

“I’m good, Buck.” Eddie confirms, his back already to him as he goes for his shower. Extra hot.

~

“Eddie, I don’t want to push you…” Buck starts of by saying as he sits down at the kitchen table, his own plate of food in hand. He places it in front of himself, but unlike the usual where he digs in right away and eats until it’s all gone, he leaves it. Ignores it in favour of Eddie, eyes trained on him and hands anxious as he tries to talk to him. “But something’s going on. You can talk to me, you know that right? Or Bobby. He’s your sponsor, I mean I’m sure you tell him a lot but he’s worried.”

Eddie stops, his fork goes to the table as he looks up to meet Buck’s eyes. “Bobby said that?”

Buck nods. “Yeah, man, don’t worry he doesn’t tell me anything you say but last night and now… Talk to us. Talk to me.”

Eddie desperately wants to. He wants to yell, to pull and rip apart Buck. To make him understand why, and to see him suffer just a little bit, just a fraction of what he feels. Maybe even guilt in his eyes for how he’s treated him which is ridiculous because Buck didn’t do anything. Not really. He just went out and lived his life. It’s not his fault that he being happy and doing that cuts Eddie up something fierce. Cuts him up in ways that Eddie can’t even admit the reason why, not to himself, not to anyone.

Eddie can’t like men. Eddie can’t not be normal.

“Hey,” Buck says, hand now on Eddie’s. Eddie freezes, he wants to shake it off, half of him angry with what Buck’s done like some scorned lover which he’s not but the part of him wants him to hang on. The part that wants only good things. Wants everything from Buck. Everything he’s never let himself have.

“Don’t.” Eddie says, and it’s dangerous. Voice daring and hurt, and confused, and guilty beyond belief.

“What?” Buck asks, and it’s innocent, but there’s understanding there. The beginnings of a realization Eddie doesn’t and does want him to have all in one. Tugging at each mercilessly. He wants. He doesn’t want. He wants. Buck squeezes his hand and Eddie, chest heavy, breathing increased stares at their joint hands like it’s a miracle and the worst sin all in one. He stares and before he even realizes it, he’s turning Buck’s hand over, his fingers spreading out to interlock with Buck’s. With Buck who reciprocates, a small wonder and happy smile filling his features, like everything he’s ever wished to be true has made it so.

Eddie just stares, helpless and scared, his heart frozen, but then Buck speaks and he’s saying, “Eddie I l-”

And it’s enough for Eddie to lose it. He pulls his hand back like he’s been burnt and he’s running. He’s running as fast as he can, Buck yelling out to him, but he’s still running. The door slamming behind him as his heart slams in his chest. Buck’s coming after him but he’s already ducked into some bushes like a fool. His hand over his mouth trying to stop the desperate sounds. The desperate painful gasps of air that he can’t seem to get in right.

“Eddie!” Buck calls, and Eddie should respond. He should get up like a man and face him. Face this, but he can’t. He can’t. He can’t. He can’t.

He can’t do this anymore.

“Eddie, please! I’m sorry. Just come back! Please! Please, I’m sorry.” And Buck is sobbing, crying harder than Eddie’s ever heard. Desperate. Pain filled-

**_Agony._ **


	18. Hey Tonight

“Are you going to tell me what’s going on?” Bobby asks as Eddie sits across from him, hand on his lap and foot bouncing up and down. His face is tired and his eyes are drawn out both from the unintentional tears and the panic attack that caused them. He currently sits across from Bobby at the twenty four hour diner they first met at after the very first and only AA meeting. Eddie never went back. He couldn’t and he didn’t want. He was fine. He stopped drinking and his life was getting back on track, and yet, here he is once again. Across from Bobby and out of his mind desperate for another drink.

“I want to drink.” Eddie says simply, and Bobby nods like he was expecting this.

“What happened?” Is his only reply and Eddie knows that he should tell him the truth but how can he when he can’t even admit that truth to himself? When he can’t even face it himself? He knows that Buck has been calling him, but he also knows that Eddie told him that he’s with him. Buck should stop calling after that but Eddie knows he hasn’t. He wouldn’t be Buck if he didn’t. He’s always caring, and loving in a way no guy should be to another. To anyone. It’s not what they do.

Eddie shakes his head, eyes down on his cup in shame and guilt.

“Buck’s worried.” Bobby says and it’s a blow, a large one. It stings Eddie, but not as much as when Bobby adds, “He was crying.”

That breaks Eddie. That cracks his ribs right open and makes his heart come out in a bloody pump and pound. Even just picturing Buck with tears in his eyes is enough for Eddie to want to both punch something, and run to him as fast as he can, but he can’t not after what happened. After what happened between them. Buck held his hand and- and Eddie was a coward. Weak. Stupid. He can’t go back, but he wants to. He has to. There’s a struggle, a wrestling between what he knows in his head and what he feels in his heart, Bobby can see it. Eddie knows he can see, but what can he do? What can anyone? Eddie’s stuck. Lost. Alone.

“Did something happen between you both?” Bobby tries and Eddie nods because he’s right on the money. Bobby somehow sense that Eddie is not able to talk right now, so he only ask questions with ‘yes’ or ‘no’ as answers. It makes Eddie feel small and awful all over again, but also warm and appreciative. “Did Buck tell you how he feels?”

Eddie looks up, eyes sharp, the surprise in his lungs is painful but it’s not for the reasons that Bobby probably thinks.

“If you’re not interested. You can tell him, he’ll understand, and back down. You’re important to him, more than any possibility of more between you two.” Bobby says it like it’s the simplest thing in the world, and it is for him. It’s so easy for everyone. Why can’t it be easy for Eddie too? Why does he have to be like this? He hates it. He hates who he is. He- He can’t-

“I want to get better, Bobby. Why can’t I get better?” Eddie speaks with pain, and the looks Bobby gives him tells him he feels it too.

“From what exactly, Eddie?” Bobby asks. “If it’s the drinking, it’s always with you but it gets easier with support and real help. If it’s something else, well I’m not sure you need to get better- if it’s who you are that’s who you are. It’s how God made you.”

Eddie can’t help it, he hiccups into a sob, tears falling again. He hasn’t gone to church since he was deployed. After everything he saw, he questioned it all until he stopped. Until he gave up on anything bigger than himself. He didn’t have to thinking about it, not even when his friends were dying in front of him because they never called for God. All they ever called for was their mom. Every last one of them. God was always the last on their minds, on Eddie’s too, but he realizes now that it’s actually been the opposite. It’s been at the forefront.

“If there is a God, I’m going in the opposite direction.”

“Because of Buck?” Bobby questions. “Because you don’t like women? That’s barbaric, you should know that. God made you. He made you the way that you are and he loves you, but if you don’t believe in him, if there’s something else that-”

“I do.” Eddie says quickly. “I didn’t think I did anymore but- I- I do.”

It startles him, how much he means it because he does mean it.

“I don’t want to be like this anymore.” Eddie says, eyes downcast.

Bobby reaches for him, hand on his shoulder as he says, “There’s nothing wrong with who you are Eddie. The only thing wrong is what you went through and how it’s affecting you now. You deserve to be happy. To have a life, a good one. I used to think I didn’t deserve it but I’m here. I’m still here. So are you. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

It takes a while but eventually Eddie nods, and surprising them both, he adds, “Bobby, I- I think I should go to another meeting.”

~

Buck’s sitting on the couch, staring at the TV that’s on, but he’s not watching it, not really. He looks up when the door opens though, hopeful and relieved as he takes in the sight of Eddie. It’s dark out, well past one in the morning but Eddie is there. He’s not hurt, and he’s okay enough for Buck to breathe. Eddie feels the same as he takes in Buck’s appearance. He doesn’t look like he’s been crying so when he was maybe it’s over now. Maybe he’s okay. Maybe Eddie didn’t hurt him too much. He never wanted to hurt Buck, but he always does end up hurting those he cares about. He always fails people somehow.

Buck stands, arms held out but also held back. Eddie knows he wants to touch him, because Eddie wants to touch him too. He feels it, whatever this is between them seize up, preparing for something. For anything. Eddie should take a step forward or apologize for what happened. Say something. Say anything. Do something. Do anything. But he can’t, not at first. At first all he can do is stare at Buck, the man that he trusts and this man that is the home he’s always been missing. It feels good to be in his arms. He wants that again. He wants that now, but he can’t. Not yet. Maybe not ever. Not after Buck knows.

“I went to a meeting.” Eddie says it with uncertainty, not because he didn’t go because he did but because he’s not sure how Buck will react.

“You did?” Surprised, happy, and relieved. Eddie wasn’t expecting that.

“Yeah.” Eddie nods. “And I- I, Buck, I killed him.”

And then Eddie’s falling apart, but Buck is there and he holds him up. He holds him tight. He holds him. He just holds him.

And Eddie finally lets it go. 


	19. Sweet Hitch-Hiker/Someday Never Comes

They end up in Buck’s bed, in his bedroom, bodies tangled together. Eddie lays with his head on Buck’s chest, arms wrapped around him. Unsure at first but now more certain, but still a light grip, a light touch. Eddie’s arms, legs, and body is like noodles. Empty and limp, and exhausted. If he was more himself he might have already wriggled out of the hold, no matter how good and nice it is. He would have been gone, but as it is he’s too tired. Too overwhelmed. He told Buck. He told him everything and he’s still here. He still holds him like something good. Hands in his hair, running through the strands with ease. Other hand on his back, holding him steady. Holding him right.

Eddie listens to his breath, the rise and fall of his chest moving his head. His feet are entwined with Buck’s and it’s strange to be this close to someone, let alone Buck. The last time he was like this with anyone was Shannon when he came home. She insisted on it, but he felt trapped in her arms. His skin felt like it was itching all over. He needed to get up, to get away. He felt wrong and dirty, but here with Buck it’s the opposite. He feels slightly uncomfortable but that’s only because of what this all means and how long it’s been since he’s been held, or held. He feels warm. Safe. Okay. Accepted.

Accepted. It hits him with a pang. It’s an odd thing to think, but Buck sees him. He sees all of him and he’s okay with it. He’s okay. Eddie can’t help but worry though. For the other shoe to drop. For Buck to leave, to decide like everyone else that he’s not worth the trouble. That he’s ruined too many good things to be considered a good thing. To have around. He feels like maybe he’ll always have that lingering doubt, but Buck’s hands are in his hair. Fingers dancing across his back in mindless motions. Warm breath on his head. Calm.

“I never told you how I met Bobby.” Buck says suddenly in the quiet of the moment. It startles Eddie slightly. He wasn’t expecting that.

“Didn’t- Wasn’t it when you got hired at the firehouse?” Eddie asks, voice scratchy and tired.

“No, that’s not how we met.” Buck says, his voice guilt, and Eddie never wants to hear that tone again. His hand resting around Buck’s stomach tightens. He holds him closer, despite his noodle arms, and despite his own weaknesses tries to convey some of his strength.

“No?”

Eddie’s words are purposeful, giving Buck a way out if he needs it. Never asking outright, never putting too much pressure on the truths buried underneath because he knows firsthand how painful and destructive they can be. Buck was patient even though he’s the most impatient person Eddie’s met. He was a steady rock, a calm presence when all Buck is most days is nervous energy. He held him when the grief was too much and offered him a home Eddie never knew he could have. Eddie can do the same. Eddie can be there for him too. Whatever he needs.

“No.” Buck repeats. “It was- a year before then. I was hitchhiking.”

He chuckles at that and Eddie smiles slightly, but he doesn’t laugh himself. He can sense the impending doom. The wave that’s about to crash around them. The dam Buck is about to break down. He knows it. Feels it. Senses it. Until- “He pulled over and picked me up. Never mind that I could have been some robber or something. He offered me a ride anywhere. I told him I was just trying to make it across the city. He gave me the rest of his sandwich and offered to buy me a coffee. I told him I liked tea better.”

Eddie smiles as he pictures it all in his mind.

“I asked him what he wanted. You know a blowjob or the full service. He didn’t want either.”

Eddie freezes, and so does Buck. Buck’s fingers stopping running through his hair and Eddie’s body becomes cold, but Buck doesn’t stop talking. His grip becomes less as does Eddie’s, but they don’t move apart. They stay. Eddie stays. He listens and Buck keeps talking. The words coming out like a fine description of a horrible artwork. Beautiful and disastrous and ugly all in one. Buck tells him his past, a lot of it, not all of it, but a lot of it and he feels lighter. Eddie feels lighter as the air between them decreases in tension as it increases in anxiety. Anxiety of the reaction, of the fallout, and the possible end to whatever beautiful thing this was going to be. Should be. Is.

“Bobby helped you.” Eddie says finally. “Like he’s helped me.”

“He’s a good guy.” Buck admits. “The best.”

Eddie makes a decision then. A decision to love Buck with all that he’s worth. To comfort him. To love him. To be there whenever he needs no matter what. No matter who he decides to be with. Him or otherwise. It doesn’t matter because he’s everything. He’s family. He’s home. He’s the parts of him he never knew he was missing… Until now. Eddie reaches out, hand off Buck’s stomach and to the hand that rests on Eddie’s head, no longer running his fingers through his hair after the confession, because that’s what it was. That’s what it feels like. He takes Buck’s hand and he holds it in his own. And he’s not running. He’s not freaking out. He’s okay. This is okay.

How could something that feels so right ever be so wrong?

“Eddie?” Buck questions, and it’s not just about his hand in his, it’s about everything. It’s about them. It’s about who they are. Laid open and bare to the other.

“You did what you had to, to survive.” Eddie tells him. “So did I.”

Buck’s hand tightens in Eddie’s as he smiles softly, emotionally.

“What’s in your head, Eddie?” Buck asks.

Eddie smiles and counters, “What’s in your heart, Buck?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was supposed to be longer, but well, it takes what it takes. Thank you for everyone who stuck by me with this story. I hope you liked it.


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